


Because I Do Not Hope (to turn again)

by DostoevskyBrosK



Category: Pride and Prejudice & Related Fandoms, Pride and Prejudice - Jane Austen
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - 1930s, Don't copy to another site, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Hurt/Comfort
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-01
Updated: 2020-12-22
Packaged: 2021-03-09 21:34:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 20,107
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27823096
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DostoevskyBrosK/pseuds/DostoevskyBrosK
Summary: 1930s Au. Darcy has allowed himself to spiral into an unhealthy place of sorrow and depression. He is wandering the seedier parts of London, not caring for himself at all. He feels like he has so much to atone for, and then he ends up grappling a bit with the Hoxton Gang. How will he be able to find his way back to Elizabeth, especially if he is not sure he deserves to?
Relationships: Elizabeth Bennet/Fitzwilliam Darcy
Comments: 51
Kudos: 57





	1. And We Drown

**Author's Note:**

> I am sorry that I am so weak for Elizabeth as a doctor. I don’t know why I always see her this way. Maybe because I love hurt comfort and feel like Darcy needs some tender love and care from Elizabeth who has more options in her life beyond what women had in the early 1800s. I was doing some light research (and I do mean light – don’t expect much) for this and stumbled upon a super awesome woman named Elizabeth Garrett Anderson – the first female doctor in the UK. That might be an epic I write one day with Elizabeth as Elizabeth (see it is already destined). Anyway, you got to let me have this.  
> I will be posting every three days for this story!  
> The title for the whole work comes from T.S. Eliot’s “Ash Wednesday” (I thought it was fitting since it came out during the decade this story is set). For the title, I chose this line because it seems so contradictory. It seems bad that the character has lost hope, but it is not actually a loss of hope. It is a strength of conviction (at least as I am trying to use it here). This poem investigates so many interesting aspects of the struggle of being human, which I think works with what Darcy is going through in this story. I am going to use bits of Eliot’s poetry for each of the chapter’s title, and will include the first two parts of “Ash Wednesday” in the notes for Chapter 3.  
> Note: This story is written by me (although obviously inspired by another's work). I do not want this posted anywhere else.   
> © All rights reserved.  
> No part of this publication (unless for personal use) may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, stored in a database and / or published in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise, without the prior written permission of the publisher.

“The last man . . . selfish. Pompous! Rude!” Darcy jolted awake yet again. _No. Please no. I am sorry. I cannot believe I acted that way. I was given good principals in my youth, but then I was allowed to feel superior. Encouraged to even. As if I was better than the common man. Now, as I look at the people who surround me, I realize how ludicrous that was for me to think. To act on_.

Darcy coughed a little. He could tell the grippe had settled in his chest. He attempted to roll over a little but could not get comfortable again. _Not that I should be comfortable_. Darcy sat up, rubbing off-handily at his face. A sore itched as it worked on healing. Darcy felt all of Elizabeth’s recriminations all too keenly. They dogged his heels and nipped at him, every now and then sinking their teeth and tearing away some of his flesh. He broke into a coughing fit.

Darcy dragged himself up, gather his small belongings. He bound the few pieces up and wrapped them carefully in his blanket, which he tied to his waist. He began his daily wanderings. He paced the city’s bystreets, careful to keep away from where he could be recognized.

He started his wandering, uncaring of his state of dress. He wore a coat that was thinning from the time spent outside, a shirt, and pants. He let his hair and beard grow, and they came in thick, curly, and unruly. Darcy was glad of it. He knew no one would recognize him now.

 _It makes me look fierce. Look unappealing. Keeps everyone away_. And Darcy was largely right. Most everyone’s eyes slid over him, finding him unworthy of note. One woman, trudging down the street let her eyes linger, struck by his fine figure. She was not disappointed. His eyes seemed to burn with a fine, impervious fire. They were worthy of holding one’s view. The gaze would shoot through you and warm you down to your toes or cool you out of all being. She shook her head and looked away, shivering a bit. Too much. Too intense. So, essentially no one did take note of the shadow figure.

This suited Darcy just fine. He wanted to walk the streets, beat a path into the pavement, and just contemplate . . . “Flagellate” is what Richard would say to him. But Darcy gave that no notice. _What if it is mere flagellation? It is what I deserve._

_No, I deserve even more. I am pathetic. I was given all the advantages in life, and what did I do? Just throw my weight around. When I think of those boys I have seen around here. The ones who manage to surprise every time. They were presented with the worst life has to offer. They still manage to be kind. Going so far as to refuse to steal. What would I have done given the same life? I do not think I would have been so responsible. I might have joined the Hoxton Gang. Just to feel like I have a family. And how I would look down on these same boys even two months ago. I am repulsive._

Darcy kept walking, seeing without seeing until he reached the docks. He knew he was crossing gang boundaries, but he simply did not care. The only thing that broke up the monotony of this life was the random fights. They left Darcy bloody and bruised. He seemed to have perpetually bruised ribs _Probably because I have not slept in a bed in so long._

He snorted to himself and then began muttering away to himself as well. “Well, what do I expect. No. Elizabeth, do not say it again. I know.” He stopped abruptly. “I know. I will not again. I would not dare to.” He plucked at his beard a bit, frustrated and shamed.

What Darcy did not appear to notice were the swarming boys who followed him. Some did not mean anything, good or bad to Darcy. But the majority were a part of the Hoxton Gang. They had noticed him weeks ago and kept tracking his movements. A group would follow him for a bit and then allow another group to pick up. The Hoxtons were especially flummoxed by how he would, seemingly willfully, wind his way in between all their territories. It was certainly something for them to watch. This man could not be trusted. 

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

“Oi! ‘E can’t be trusted, Dick. I told ya this.”

“Hush, Jason. Obviously, he can’t be trusted. I’m not an idiot. But, that don’t mean ‘e’s a bad man. Ya’ve seen ‘im help. Remember two weeks ago. ‘E ‘elped me when those four pricks were out to get me. They looked about ready to eat me – wanted to crush me, they did. ‘E put ‘em down so quickly. I would have been ‘urting for a month at least, if they ‘adn’t killed me.” Dick could not stop himself, grasping his friend’s hand.

They had found each other about three years ago. Dick had been eight and Jason six. Neither wanted to be sent to the orphanage. Dick had heard stories . . . So, when his dad bought it, he ran. Jason had lived the stories, the nightmares, twice. He was not going to do that again. Dick had promised to keep him safe, and so far, he had. It had been a good three years for Jason. Even so, Jason would not trust any man easily. He would be cautions and wary. He would help Dick if he need to.

They approached the man Dick was talking about. He seemed to wander without any clear purpose. “See Dick. Look at the toff’s clothes. That ain’t normal. See the fine cloth? ‘E shouldn’t be on the streets at all at all.”

“Jason, ya don’t know that. Someone could ‘ave given them to ‘im.”

“No way. Come on, Dick. Ya can see that ‘e posh by the way ‘e ‘olds ‘imself.” Jason kicked his shoes a bit. “Lay off ‘im. We don’t need to deal with ‘im now. ‘E will just mean trouble.”

“No, Jason! Please trust me. I feel good about this. Come on. You don’t want to live this way forever, do you? We got to get off the streets sometime. I feel like ‘e could ‘elp us know ‘ow.”

Jason gritted his teeth but nodded at him. “Fine. But ‘e a right weird one.”

“Agreed. Now, come on.”

The man they were following had terrifying, wild hair. He kept stopping and muttering to himself. He would shout sometimes and then mumble at other times. Most of it seemed to center around the name “Elizabeth.” Jason was not sure what to make of it – it was definitely weird. Of course, he did not trust it. They followed him, Jason was not sure how long, for quite a distance.

Suddenly the man stopped them. He caught their eyes. “You both are following me.”

Jason leaned close to Dick, “See. Posh. Told ya.”

“Why are you following me, you two? Out with it, Tree and Silver!”

“Tree? Silver?”

“Just a nickname for the two of you. Tree, you are the one who almost got himself killed a couple weeks back, right?”

Dick blushed a little. “Yes Sir. That’s right.”

“Don’t be calling ‘im sir,” Jason whispered to Dick.

“Come on. Out with it! Why are you following me?”

“No reason, Sir. It is just that you are the Strange One.”

“Yeah Strange One alright,” Jason broke in, “Yer clothes are clearly of a fine quality. What’s yer story?”

“No story for the two of you. Come on, you both look like you are skin and bones. When was the last time you had a meal?”

Dick brightened, “It has been a long while, Sir. We sure would appreciate it. Wouldn’t we, Jason.”

“Ya had to say my name, Dick?” He leaned back a bit anxious.

The man seemed to read the worry in Jason’s eyes. “Just food, nothing else. I promise.” He then pulled out a small knife. He presented it to Jason. “As a show of good will. I am more worried about you two being safe than myself.”

Jason cocked his head to the side, “Ya aren’t very bright, are ya?”

That startled a laugh out of the man. “No, I suppose not. Come on. I know a spot we can get a good, cheap meal.”

Dick happily marched with the man, and Jason followed a bit more sedately.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Darcy smiled to himself as he wandered around on this day. _Yesterday was good. It was nice to actually talk to Dick. I am glad he trusted me. I am so intrigued by Jason. I feel like there is so much more to him than that harsh exterior. How long have they been on the streets? They are both still so young._ He rubbed at his chest reflexively, right at his heart. _Elizabeth, I think you would like them both. They would surprise you with their boldness. You would be charmed, especially by Jason. You would get him to behave in no time_. As Darcy’s thoughts ambled happily, he had to stop himself. He started coughing again, which frustrated him. _It is always such an imposition to cough. Causes the whole body to shake_.

He was looking at something rather incongruous. A woman, dressed quite finely, in probably her eighties, was walking around, clearly lost. _Oh, that could easily spell trouble_. Darcy let his eyes scan up and down the road. It seemed like only one many had noticed the woman. Darcy was not sure he was going to do anything, but the moment seemed to be sparking with danger.

Quickly crossing the road, Darcy moved next to her and tried to project warm, comfort, safe. The woman looked at him with fear in his eyes, which pricked his heart, even as he applauded her sense of self-preservation. “Excuse me, Madam. I do not mean to speak out of turn, but it seems to me that you might be a little lost?”

She still looked at him with wariness. “That could be true, young man. But I do not see what that matters to you.”

“Quite right, Madam. Even so, you must know this is not a safe area for you to be traversing.” 

She seemed to settle the more she heard him speak, which made Darcy smile and feel quite sad. _I am sure she would not be so easy around Dick, and yet he is most assuredly a better man than I._ “If you could just tell me where you need to go, I can get you there. I promise that nothing bad will happen to you here. However, we should hurry.” Darcy tried to gesture to the man who was walking over towards them as well.

The woman seemed to understand. She nodded and whispered where she was trying to get to, just for Darcy to hear.

He offered her his arm, which she took with an uncertain smile. “Come, Madam. You want to look like you belong here with me, and then everyone will leave you alone. How did you come to be lost?”

“Oh, young man. I have no idea. I was following the street signs, and then it just seemed I got more and more turned around.”

Darcy nodded his head. “This area of the city is controlled by a gang. I think they have started changing the signs to try and get easier marks to come to them. The constables usually leave this part of town to the gangs.” Darcy shrugged as the woman tutted.

He eventually got her to where she needed to go. She tried to press some money into his hand, but he shook his head. “Do not be suborn with me, young man. You take this money. If not for yourself then for those sweet boys you told me about.”

That made Darcy smile. “Thank you, Madam.”

As he turned to walk away, she called to him one more time. “If you should ever need help. Come this way!”

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The water swirled a murky black, churning as if in anger. Bits of wood floated indifferently through, cutting into the water. It did not look beautiful nor happy. Darcy sighed. _Of course, even the river around here looks different. Does it always look this way in this part of town? Is it just my own melancholy?_ Darcy shook his head, watching some men unload a barge. _I just cannot seem to break out of this. I want to believe I will conquer this, but will I? More to the point, should I? Do I deserve to merely get over it?_

He leaned against the wall, and just tried to deeply breathe, but breath alluded him. _I know I should be a better brother to Georgiana, but haven’t I already let her down. It seems like the more I try the more I destroy. She deserves a mother and a father, not a pathetic brother who just continually lets her down. But surely wallowing is not helping anyone_. He sank down, sitting in the dark, allowing it to consume him. _I can be better, but I want to start here. I want to be better for these people, who are so often forgotten. Who I never used to even think about. I will do more: for Jason, for Dick, for my own little area here._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The title for this chapter comes from a poem I really love the whole of: “The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock.” Such a delightfully strange poem, but I find the ending especially enchanting. There is something about a mermaid / siren motif. The whole poem is wonderful, but I am just quoting the last bit:  
> I should have been a pair of ragged claws  
> Scuttling across the floors of silent seas.
> 
> And the afternoon, the evening, sleeps so peacefully!  
> Smoothed by long fingers,  
> Asleep ... tired ... or it malingers,  
> Stretched on the floor, here beside you and me.  
> Should I, after tea and cakes and ices,  
> Have the strength to force the moment to its crisis?  
> But though I have wept and fasted, wept and prayed,  
> Though I have seen my head (grown slightly bald) brought in upon a platter,  
> I am no prophet — and here’s no great matter;  
> I have seen the moment of my greatness flicker,  
> And I have seen the eternal Footman hold my coat, and snicker,  
> And in short, I was afraid.
> 
> And would it have been worth it, after all,  
> After the cups, the marmalade, the tea,  
> Among the porcelain, among some talk of you and me,  
> Would it have been worth while,  
> To have bitten off the matter with a smile,  
> To have squeezed the universe into a ball  
> To roll it towards some overwhelming question,  
> To say: “I am Lazarus, come from the dead,  
> Come back to tell you all, I shall tell you all”—  
> If one, settling a pillow by her head  
> Should say: “That is not what I meant at all;  
> That is not it, at all.”
> 
> And would it have been worth it, after all,  
> Would it have been worth while,  
> After the sunsets and the dooryards and the sprinkled streets,  
> After the novels, after the teacups, after the skirts that trail along the floor—  
> And this, and so much more?—  
> It is impossible to say just what I mean!  
> But as if a magic lantern threw the nerves in patterns on a screen:  
> Would it have been worth while  
> If one, settling a pillow or throwing off a shawl,  
> And turning toward the window, should say:  
> “That is not it at all,  
> That is not what I meant, at all.”
> 
> No! I am not Prince Hamlet, nor was meant to be;  
> Am an attendant lord, one that will do  
> To swell a progress, start a scene or two,  
> Advise the prince; no doubt, an easy tool,  
> Deferential, glad to be of use,  
> Politic, cautious, and meticulous;  
> Full of high sentence, but a bit obtuse;  
> At times, indeed, almost ridiculous—  
> Almost, at times, the Fool.
> 
> I grow old ... I grow old ...  
> I shall wear the bottoms of my trousers rolled.
> 
> Shall I part my hair behind? Do I dare to eat a peach?  
> I shall wear white flannel trousers, and walk upon the beach.  
> I have heard the mermaids singing, each to each.
> 
> I do not think that they will sing to me.
> 
> I have seen them riding seaward on the waves  
> Combing the white hair of the waves blown back  
> When the wind blows the water white and black.  
> We have lingered in the chambers of the sea  
> By sea-girls wreathed with seaweed red and brown  
> Till human voices wake us, and we drown.


	2. There Will be Time

A sharp kick landed next to Darcy’s bruising ribs, creating layered patterns of color. He groaned as he sank into awareness, coughing a bit on his own spit. Three of four men were surrounding him. One of them was pulling their foot back, clearly reading another kick to his stomach. He managed to roll away and started chronicling his wounds.

“Damnit! Thom, I told ya to ‘old ‘im.” One of the men whined.

Darcy struggled not to roll his eyes. He had been dealing with a disturbing amount of these gang members, seeking to prove their worth or perhaps just cut their teeth with fighting. Most of them were not as good as they thought they were, especially if they did not have any weapons. Pushing up against the wall, his body was protesting, but he ignored what his body needed right now. _I can rest when this is done_.

He spit out some blood from a split lip and fixed the youngest with a steely glare. “What do you think you are doing?” He challenged.

The man, _boy really,_ backed up, clearly surprised by his accent. “Why’s ‘e talkin’ like that?”

“It don’t matter none, Caleb. Come on. We got a job to do.”

But Darcy could see that Caleb’s heart was not in it. _If I attack this one, the other two will not stay around to see what is going to happen. I think they run_. Darcy let a dangerous smile play around his lips. He had been surprised by how much violence happened in the streets as he wandered and slept on them. Perhaps it should not have surprised him, but it really did. What surprised him ever more was how he had taken to using it as a way to get out some of his own anger and feelings of worthlessness. _Failed Elizabeth. Failed Georgiana. I miss Georgie. Maybe if she was here . . ._ Darcy let that thought slip away, dangerous as it was. If he could help a person trapped on the streets or weed out the ones who did not really want to fight, Darcy thought it was worth it. He smeared the blood across his face a little, knowing that usually bothered the younger ones.

“You have a job, do you? And how do I enter into it?” He held eye contact with who seemed to be the leader, _or at least the one most in charge_.

“We got ta clear ya off our area. By any means necessary. We want ya gone.”

“Is that a fact? And you were incapable of asking nicely? Come to that, why should I go when asked so impolitely? Maybe I like this little street. Maybe I have started to think of it as my home?”

The younger two were shifting their weight back and forth. One of them muttered, “I told ya I don’t like crazy. There is nofing ya can do with it.”

“Shut up!” The oldest bellowed. He had not realized that he had let Darcy talk too much, which had distracted him from noticing that he pushed himself up into a good position. When he turned to yell at his two gang members, Darcy ducked his head down and forced all his weight and strength at the man. He easily tackled him, threw a knock-out punch, and jumped back up. He was ready just in case Thom or Caleb wanted to try their own luck. But by the time he was standing up, they had already run away, disappearing into the maze of alleys.

Darcy patted the one he had knocked unconscious. “You really should get out of the gang business, especially if you cannot trust the members to have your back.” He looked over him, making sure he would be alright when he woke up, and then he pushed himself up to start his wandering. He moaned a bit, holding onto his side. _I know where I need to go today_. 

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Darcy surreptitiously looked up and down the alley. This was his preferred method of entry, but he still did not want to be observed, even coming in the back way. He pulled the key out where he had sewed it into the inside of his pants and sighed. _Now, I am just going to have mend them again, but it has been a bit too long since I last stopped by. And I did promise Richard to check in every other week_. He bit his lip, momentarily forgetting about how swollen it had become and immediately hissed at the pain that flared up.

He carefully made his way through Richard’s rather modest townhouse. He moved to the room where he knew Richard stocked the medicine and bandages and began quickly treating the most obvious ones. _I really would have preferred to have this conversation not looking like I got in a brawl just a few hours ago_. He tensed up when he felt a presence behind him.

“William!” Richard shouted at him, which still made Darcy smile. “Good of you to show up, you know three weeks late. Leaving me to get seriously worried for my idiot cousin. You know that I spent the last week going up some of those dumb streets of yours to check on you?”

Darcy turned around, “Richard, you should not do that. It is not safe for you.” Darcy started coughing after such a long sentence. He really did not talk that much when he was on the streets.

Richard laughed derisively, “But it is for you. Listen to that cough.” He then gestured at Darcy’s bleeding lip. “Look at you, a mess! And why? Come on, William. We can work through this. You do not need to punish yourself this way.”

“It is not a punishment.” Darcy pulled his head away as Richard tried to reach for him. “Not fully anyway.” He mumbled.

Richard shook his head. “Look, let me call Dr. Bennet. Your cough sounds like it is there to stay, which can only mean trouble. She does excellent work. I am glad you recommended her to me. I cannot imagine how she does not have a full patient list already.” Richard had his suspicions but was clearly trying to play it cool. Darcy recognized this, but still felt himself rise to the bait.

“NO. Do not call her. Look, you can see yourself I am fine. Just a few bruises.”

“Fine? Is that what we are calling it these days?” Richard snorted inelegantly. “I will not send for her right now, but, William, you have to be more careful. You truly look at mess. This isn’t what Georige would have wanted.”

“No. You promised not to mention her, Richard.” Darcy fixed him with a hard look.

Richard shrugged. He leaned against the door, watching Darcy work, knowing that he would not let anyone help him. He pushed off. “When you are done, at least come to the kitchen and let me get you some food.” Richard sighed. “You look like you are letting yourself waste away. You promised me. William, do you remember?”

Darcy nodded. “I remember.”

“If you keep breaking your promises or barely keeping them, I am going to have to tell –”

“You would not dare!”

“Do not try me, Cuz. I want the best for you, and I am not so convinced you know what that is for yourself.”

Richard moved to the kitchen and set about making some sandwiches to pack away in some larder paper. He also picked up a knapsack he had bought specially to give Darcy over a month ago. He had it filled with things he thought might prove usefulnbut had a small inclination that Darcy would give it away to another street person. He would not mind that so much, he supposed. He stuck some of the food in the bag too. Then he got some soup heating and some bowls and plates out.

Darcy came back from the bathroom, looking a bit sheepish. “Richard . . . I really appreciate your help, you know?”

“You are mad. I certainly do not know how to help you for real. You will not let me. You keep pushing me away, and the rest of the family too. You know they miss you terribly. My mother, especially keeps asking for you. I can hardly tell her, oh, well, he is actually still in London. He is just being an unbelievable ass and refuses to care for himself.”

Darcy sat down with a heavy breath, “I know. I know. I hate that I have not seen Aunt Evelyn in so long. But, I just cannot see her like this.” He gestured to his scraggly hair.

Richard nodded, “The first time I saw you after you had let it grow out some – I thought I was being visited by a ghoul.”

“Oh, very funny, Richard.”

“William. Tell me, why are you still doing this? What is going on with you? I know we said we would not talk about it, but is this about. . .” Richard let himself trail off.

Darcy opened his mouth, closed it. Took some more bites of the food Richard had served him, “I really do not know. At first, I just had to get away. You know when I first came to the streets six months ago, it had been a year since my Georgie . . . and I had tried to close myself up. It seemed to be the only way I could function. And then, I realized how unhealthy that was. I had to remove myself from all the pressure and expectation. All of the people and machinations that encouraged me to be the way I was. Then, I was so caught up in the plight of so many of these people. They are trapped, Richard. What can they do? I am not even sure how to help them. I feed them as often as I can and . . . It just feels like a problem that grows bigger and bigger. It feels wrong to leave them.”

“And, of course, you have not forgiven yourself. Have you?”

Darcy looked sharply at Richard. “How do you know that?”

“Will, I have known you all of your life, and I am sure I know you better than anyone else. You always were a guilt-loving bastard.”

Darcy snorted at that.

“Speaking of which, you know that you do not owe the world for all of Wickham’s problems?”

Darcy perked up at that. “Were you able to help the latest girl?”

"Did better than that. Caught them, helped her get back to her family with minimum distress – and Lord, what a profoundly stupid girl she was. Lydia? Had no idea what he had planned for her – and then I sent Wickham back to his base and had a word with his commanding officer. I do not think he will get leave anytime soon.”

Darcy nodded. “Thank you, Richard.”

“But you cannot go cleaning up his messes forever.”

“No, I suppose not. But I do feel somewhat responsible. Besides, this one was special.”

“Because she was related to Dr. Bennet.”

“Stop bringing her up, Richard.”

“I just want you to know that I like her. She is a brilliant doctor, and I think she would suit you well.”

“That is hardly the problem,” Darcy grumbled.

“Then what is?” 

“Leave it, please.”

“Fine. Just make sure you come back sooner than last time. In a week. Promise?”

“I promise, Richard. Thank you. For everything, but especially for handling the aunts and your dear mother. Tell her . . . tell her I will come home soon.”

“You bloody better.” 

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Darcy always felt heavier when he left Richard. His conscious would prick at him. _Am I being more selfish by wandering the streets and doing what I ought not to? But I do not know how to perform anymore – if, indeed, I ever did. I do not know how to belong or fit into society, and I am not sure I care to. It all seems so empty and pointless_. When he visited Richard, he found it harder to lie to himself. To pretend that Georgiana was just waiting for him to come back. He still could not believe that she died. It was too impossible to process. 

He rubbed his hand through his hair in frustration and confusion. _That is why I waited so long to go back, Richard. I wish I could understand this compulsion to stay out here. I just seem trapped. As if I can do nothing. Everything I do is tainted, wrong._

His Elizabeth appeared before him. She always looked the same: just as she did the moment she rejected his proposal. Her eyes fiery with anger and justified disdain. She never spoke to him with words. She merely would look, and his own brain would supply the diatribe of all that is wrong with him. He sought out a deserted alley where he could lose himself a little. Where he could let himself sleep.

_I do need actual rest. I cannot let the Hoxtons find me. I do not think my body really can take much more . . . And yet, do I care? I suppose I must. For Richard’s sake. I really would not want him to feel guilty for how he has helped me. I do not know if he could ever forgive himself if I turned up dead. Even through it would not be his fault._

Darcy’s head lolled to the side a little, finding sleep elusive. As it often was. _I wish I could have seen Dick or Jason today. Are they alright? Did they manage to make it somewhere safe? Did they eat today? If I am not helping people like them, really, what is my excuse for being out here? I just cannot take it. To think of what Elizabeth so rightly laid at my feet. I feel empty to fight against it_.

He pushed his head back, grating it against the stone wall, hoping that the pain would help him find clarity and pull him out of himself. His Elizabeth’s eyes grew even more furious, if that was possible. She seemed to be calling him out for being even more of a coward and a selfish fool. “No. . .” he tried to mumble.

Only to be interrupted by a group of four men, boxing in what looked to be a young woman. Darcy shook his head, dissipating his vision. Indeed, just at the mouth of the alley, a poor woman had been caught by a group of Hoxtons. They were teasing her. One would rub her hair, and when she would scream, another would push at her skirt. _Disgusting. Reprehensible._

Darcy began to push himself up. He knew that he was too swallowed in darkness for them to see him. He should be able to come up with something to help the young woman. She turned her head, and the light caught her just right. _It cannot be. That is Kitty! Elizabeth’s sister!_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story is a little dark, but I feel like Darcy would never let himself wallow in this kind of way if Georgiana were still alive. He would feel too bound by his duty. But I wonder what he would think if she had died? What would be the purpose of playing society’s game? So this is what I was really hoping to explore!  
> The title for this chapter is also from Prufrock. I thought it only fitting that we have the rest of the exceptionally good “Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock,” especially because it so fits where Darcy is right now in the story. Sorry it was out of order – bwhahaha.  
> S’io credesse che mia risposta fosse  
> A persona che mai tornasse al mondo,  
> Questa fiamma staria senza piu scosse.  
> Ma percioche giammai di questo fondo  
> Non torno vivo alcun, s’i’odo il vero,  
> Senza tema d’infamia ti rispondo.
> 
> Let us go then, you and I,  
> When the evening is spread out against the sky  
> Like a patient etherized upon a table;  
> Let us go, through certain half-deserted streets,  
> The muttering retreats  
> Of restless nights in one-night cheap hotels  
> And sawdust restaurants with oyster-shells:  
> Streets that follow like a tedious argument  
> Of insidious intent  
> To lead you to an overwhelming question ...  
> Oh, do not ask, “What is it?”  
> Let us go and make our visit.
> 
> In the room the women come and go  
> Talking of Michelangelo.
> 
> The yellow fog that rubs its back upon the window-panes,  
> The yellow smoke that rubs its muzzle on the window-panes,  
> Licked its tongue into the corners of the evening,  
> Lingered upon the pools that stand in drains,  
> Let fall upon its back the soot that falls from chimneys,  
> Slipped by the terrace, made a sudden leap,  
> And seeing that it was a soft October night,  
> Curled once about the house, and fell asleep.
> 
> And indeed there will be time  
> For the yellow smoke that slides along the street,  
> Rubbing its back upon the window-panes;  
> There will be time, there will be time  
> To prepare a face to meet the faces that you meet;  
> There will be time to murder and create,  
> And time for all the works and days of hands  
> That lift and drop a question on your plate;  
> Time for you and time for me,  
> And time yet for a hundred indecisions,  
> And for a hundred visions and revisions,  
> Before the taking of a toast and tea.
> 
> In the room the women come and go  
> Talking of Michelangelo.
> 
> And indeed there will be time  
> To wonder, “Do I dare?” and, “Do I dare?”  
> Time to turn back and descend the stair,  
> With a bald spot in the middle of my hair —  
> (They will say: “How his hair is growing thin!”)  
> My morning coat, my collar mounting firmly to the chin,  
> My necktie rich and modest, but asserted by a simple pin —  
> (They will say: “But how his arms and legs are thin!”)  
> Do I dare  
> Disturb the universe?  
> In a minute there is time  
> For decisions and revisions which a minute will reverse.
> 
> For I have known them all already, known them all:  
> Have known the evenings, mornings, afternoons,  
> I have measured out my life with coffee spoons;  
> I know the voices dying with a dying fall  
> Beneath the music from a farther room.  
> So how should I presume?
> 
> And I have known the eyes already, known them all—  
> The eyes that fix you in a formulated phrase,  
> And when I am formulated, sprawling on a pin,  
> When I am pinned and wriggling on the wall,  
> Then how should I begin  
> To spit out all the butt-ends of my days and ways?  
> And how should I presume?
> 
> And I have known the arms already, known them all—  
> Arms that are braceleted and white and bare  
> (But in the lamplight, downed with light brown hair!)  
> Is it perfume from a dress  
> That makes me so digress?  
> Arms that lie along a table, or wrap about a shawl.  
> And should I then presume?  
> And how should I begin?
> 
> Shall I say, I have gone at dusk through narrow streets  
> And watched the smoke that rises from the pipes  
> Of lonely men in shirt-sleeves, leaning out of windows? ...


	3. Having Fed to Satiety

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had to write some action here, and well, that was an adventure. I have never written action like this before, so I am afraid it is a bit of a mess (but maybe this whole story is – hahahaha). But needs must for the story. Just imagine you are watching one of the John Wick movies with all their excellent choreography.

Realizing who was in danger made Darcy’s heat beat even faster. _What to do? What to do?_ Darcy immediately looked around him, searching for an old piece of wood or anything that could act as a weapon. He had given Jason his only actual weapon several days ago, and now he found himself feeling a bit desperate. _The Hoxtons will have knuckle dusters at least, but I do not think they would have them on to threaten a young woman. It does not seem to be their choice of style today. They want something else from poor Kitty anyway, which most likely means knives._ Darcy knew he needed to act quickly as the group of men were tightening up their circle around her.

She clearly recognized the danger she was in and was looking up and down the brighter lit streets, probably hoping for someone to call. One of the men, grinned as he ran his blade up Kitty’s arm, cutting some of the cloth away. “Scream all ya like, pretty little birdy. No one around ‘ere will give a shit.”

A different one pushed her from behind, just to watch her jump and started laughing, exultantly. “Oh, she gonna be a fun one tonight, lads.”

Darcy finally gave up on the search for a weapon – the alley was sadly lacking in that regard. He crept closer, nearer to the light. He knew just how close he could get without letting it touch him, and he also knew the Hoxtons would not be particularly thinking about danger emerging out of the alleyways.

A cough began tickling his throat, reminding Darcy that he really ought to have stayed at Richard’s house. _But then I would not be here, and who knows what would happen to Kitty. No. I can handle this. I_ must _handle this._ He drew himself up to a length, marking each man in his mind.

One was notably favoring his left side, _easy enough to target his right. I bet he will not prove too much trouble to me_. The one at the very back was stocky, but seemed easily tired, already puffing from the exertion of cornering a woman. _If I leave him to last, he will do most of the work for me. He already looks just about ready to be pushed over._ The one flanking the man in the middle seemed fierce. Darcy’s eyes looked him over, seeking a weakness that he could exploit. _Ah, there it is._ He thought triumphantly. _He has some pained ribs. I know that feeling only too well myself. I should be able to exacerbate the pain, maybe get him to pass out if enough pressure or force is applied to his side._ The one with the knife seemed the most dangerous and the most important one to take out first. He also did not have any clear weakness. All four would stay in this fight. They would all feel too implicated otherwise. But, even so, the man in the middle would demoralize the others if he fell, especially first. _So, I must attack him first then. But how. Come on, Darcy, you are running out of time. Think. Think. Hm. That could work._

Mind made up, Darcy emerged out of the darkness. From the Hoxton’s perspective it was like watching a shadow take shape. One minute it had seemed like just another alleyway, something they felt comfortable with, thinking they owned and controlled the darkness. However, it turned on them, betraying them for ever presuming to think that the darkness could be controlled or tamed. The man materialized, his hair wild and standing at all ends, his cheeks looking hollow and pallid, and his eyes gleaming with a brightness that seemed . . . unnatural. These elements worked to scare the Hoxton gang members. They would never admit it in the brightness of day or even the pub, but in the dark, just before sleep, sometimes they worried that shadows moved or that things might take shape to seek revenge. Such was it to be from this man who now seemed to move uncommonly quickly.

Darcy tried to move fast enough to deny them time to think or make sense of what they were witnessing. He rushed the person in the middle, catching one of his hands in his own. He punched him hard in the side, knowing that would knock the wind out of him. That made the man in the middle fall down, _but not down to stay. Still, enough time to take care of ribs_. Darcy turned to the man who had been on the outer flank. He took a deep breath, stealing himself to ignore his own screaming ribs, and kicked as hard as he could right into the spot he figured would cause the most pain. The man grunted and fell, and Darcy did not give him a chance to recover. He jumped on the man, hoping that would be enough to keep him down.

Unable to dodge the fist from the man favoring his left-side, Darcy took a punch himself. Right into his face, which caused his head to swivel around. He could feel the blood spraying out of his mouth from his cut cheek, _but this works in my favor. They do not think I can recover quickly enough_. Darcy did not even try to reorient himself. He merely moved with the momentum, allowing his body to follow the trajectory, and landed a hit onto the man’s right side. He heard the groan and watched the man fall.

Darcy spared himself a quick smile, but knew he had two: the man with the knife would surely be getting up by now and the one he thought of as Rabbit. Sure enough, the man with the knife had recovered and was coming for Darcy. In the space of a second, Darcy realized that Kitty was going to try to put herself in between the two of them. _It is kind of sweet, but damnit that does put me in a bad position._ Understanding how badly she could get hurt, Darcy moved his hand to pull Kitty behind him. He saw the arc of the blade and could have dodged it. But that would make the fight last longer and had the potential to push the blade into Kitty. _She is unused to a fight. She could easily hurt herself trying to help or honestly trying to avoid getting hurt_. He quickly covered her with his own body and allowed the blade to sink into his side, deeply. He could not seem to help his response of snarling at the man, spitting some pink saliva his way. He felt satisfaction watching the man stutter at the display. _It really does help to act a bit of an animal_.

Then Darcy took what had been given to him, grasping the knife. He pulled it from his own side, working to put the pain that overwhelmed him in a box. _I will deal with you later. Just give me two more minutes for the girl._ He tried to tell himself. He approached the man who seemed to be weighing his own options here. Little rabbit peaked from behind and gave up. He leapt to the side and just flat out ran down a different alley.

Darcy looked at the last man standing, who was still a little hunched from the punch from earlier. He gestured to the knife in his hand and raised an eyebrow. _Do you really want to see this through to the end?_ The man seemed to be weighing his own options, but then lunged towards Darcy. _He probably figures I cannot last much longer with my injuries. Ah, but never underestimate a man who would embrace death as a kind friend._ Darcy easily caught the man, arresting his own attempt to take Darcy down.

Darcy spoke for the first time that fight, “I do not want to have to kill you, but I will if I must.” That seemed to frighten the man substantially. Darcy kicked into his stomach, putting him on the ground. “Stay down until we leave, or you will not like what I do with your pretty knife.” 

“Fuck you!” The man yelled but did stay down.

Darcy smiled, and offered an arm to Kitty. “Let us get you somewhere safe.” 

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Kitty warily raised her head. Breathless with fear, she tried to take stock of what was around her. She had never felt so terrified in her whole life. After leaving her job at the pharmacy, she had somehow managed to get turned around. Badly. And had ended up on a street Lizzy had definitely warned her about.

Now, the sisters, or what was left of them, all shared a townhouse that was not in a bad area, but near enough to the bad areas. Their living situation had changed seven or so months ago when both their mother and their father had been struck down by an outbreak of tuberculosis that had spread all throughout London. The house they had grown up in still suffered under the old entailment laws, so it went to a distant cousin. Elizabeth and Jane managed to scrounge enough together to rent a house large enough for the rest of the family, but Mary had surprised everyone by going off to Kent of all places where she had heard that there was a position attached to a parsonage recently open. She seemed happy at least. Lydia, of course, had managed to get herself into some real trouble, but came out mostly unscathed in the end through some miracle none of the sisters could figure out, nor dared to question. She was married now, living in the country. That left Kitty, Elizabeth, and Jane living together quite happily.

Except that Kitty had managed to get lost and had been truly frightened of what was going to happen to her. Those men meant to take everything from her, of that she was certain. But then suddenly, out of the darkness appeared a wild man. He would have frightened her too, but he immediately attacked the men who had cornered her. He put them all down in such a quick space of time that Kitty barely had been able to step in and try to help. He did not want her help, pushing her behind him, which would have angered her but for the fact that she really did not know what she was doing. It was just as well.

The man held his arm out to her and mumbled something. Kitty took it out of habit yet knew the man must be in a great deal of pain. She watched him take several hits, but she was most concerned with the blood pouring out of his side. They walked quickly through some maze of alleys and within five minutes were in a better area, quite close to where the house was. Kitty thought she saw what looked to be two young boys ducking out of the way they just came, but she shook it off, scolding herself for being so paranoid right now.

Kitty turned to the man, wishing to thank him. “I do not know who you are, but I am forever in your debt. Thank you . . .” Kitty’s words broke off as she took in the condition of the man. “Oh dear! We need to get you to the hospital. There is one not too far from here. My sister works there some. Come on.”

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Darcy, in his pain muddled mind, could not make sense of what was happening, but he knew that he did not want to get taken to a hospital. Under no circumstance could he go there. _Not where Elizabeth works. Not where she could see me and…_ Of course, his face was no doubt swollen, and with his outrageous hair growth he was sure no one would recognize him. _But there could be a chance of recognition_.

He leaned against the wall, knowing that without the support he would fall down. “No. Please. No hospital.” He managed to grit out. The last thing he saw before darkness swallowed him was Kitty ringing her hands. _Poor girl. She really was quite brave through it all._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The title for this chapter comes from “Ash Wednesday.” It is a poem I both find a bit eye-rolly in parts, but then also love. I think the way it begins all the way through section II is pretty awesome. Here is the start of “Ash Wednesday”:  
> I  
> Because I do not hope to turn again  
> Because I do not hope  
> Because I do not hope to turn  
> Desiring this man's gift and that man's scope  
> I no longer strive to strive towards such things  
> (Why should the agèd eagle stretch its wings?)  
> Why should I mourn  
> The vanished power of the usual reign?
> 
> Because I do not hope to know  
> The infirm glory of the positive hour  
> Because I do not think  
> Because I know I shall not know  
> The one veritable transitory power  
> Because I cannot drink  
> There, where trees flower, and springs flow, for there is  
> nothing again
> 
> Because I know that time is always time  
> And place is always and only place  
> And what is actual is actual only for one time  
> And only for one place  
> I rejoice that things are as they are and  
> I renounce the blessèd face  
> And renounce the voice  
> Because I cannot hope to turn again  
> Consequently I rejoice, having to construct something  
> Upon which to rejoice
> 
> And pray to God to have mercy upon us  
> And pray that I may forget  
> These matters that with myself I too much discuss  
> Too much explain  
> Because I do not hope to turn again  
> Let these words answer  
> For what is done, not to be done again  
> May the judgement not be too heavy upon us
> 
> Because these wings are no longer wings to fly  
> But merely vans to beat the air  
> The air which is now thoroughly small and dry  
> Smaller and dryer than the will  
> Teach us to care and not to care Teach us to sit still.
> 
> Pray for us sinners now and at the hour of our death  
> Pray for us now and at the hour of our death.
> 
> II  
> Lady, three white leopards sat under a juniper-tree  
> In the cool of the day, having fed to satiety  
> On my legs my heart my liver and that which had been  
> contained  
> In the hollow round of my skull. And God said  
> Shall these bones live? shall these  
> Bones live? And that which had been contained  
> In the bones (which were already dry) said chirping:  
> Because of the goodness of this Lady  
> And because of her loveliness, and because  
> She honours the Virgin in meditation,  
> We shine with brightness. And I who am here dissembled  
> Proffer my deeds to oblivion, and my love  
> To the posterity of the desert and the fruit of the gourd.  
> It is this which recovers  
> My guts the strings of my eyes and the indigestible portions  
> Which the leopards reject. The Lady is withdrawn  
> In a white gown, to contemplation, in a white gown.  
> Let the whiteness of bones atone to forgetfulness.  
> There is no life in them. As I am forgotten  
> And would be forgotten, so I would forget  
> Thus devoted, concentrated in purpose. And God said  
> Prophesy to the wind, to the wind only for only  
> The wind will listen. And the bones sang chirping  
> With the burden of the grasshopper, saying
> 
> Lady of silences  
> Calm and distressed  
> Torn and most whole  
> Rose of memory  
> Rose of forgetfulness  
> Exhausted and life-giving  
> Worried reposeful  
> The single Rose  
> Is now the Garden  
> Where all loves end  
> Terminate torment  
> Of love unsatisfied  
> The greater torment  
> Of love satisfied  
> End of the endless  
> Journey to no end  
> Conclusion of all that  
> Is inconclusible  
> Speech without word and  
> Word of no speech  
> Grace to the Mother  
> For the Garden  
> Where all love ends.
> 
> Under a juniper-tree the bones sang, scattered and shining  
> We are glad to be scattered, we did little good to each  
> other,  
> Under a tree in the cool of day, with the blessing of sand,  
> Forgetting themselves and each other, united  
> In the quiet of the desert. This is the land which ye  
> Shall divide by lot. And neither division nor unity  
> Matters. This is the land. We have our inheritance.


	4. Death's Dream Kingdom

This time, Darcy awoke gently, as if the sun was warming on his cheeks, rather than the vicious kicks of so many previous mornings. However, his body ached unbelievably, and he felt a pressing need to cough. As soon as he did, his whole body seized up in pain. He tried to focus on recounting all of his aches and pains. He did not get very far before his fantasy Elizabeth appeared in his mind’s eye. He had yet to open his eyes, but that did not spare him the continual recriminations she would pour on him during the course of his waking hours. _I would think I get enough in my sleeping_. But, truly his dreams tended to be sweeter than his more waking nightmares.

For now, he did not really see her, but he did not need to. He felt the anger and frustration of her. It seemed this time to be tinged with slightly more irritation than usual. _No surprise there, I suppose. I rather think I deserve that. But why? Did I do something stupid?_ He felt as if Elizabeth raised her eyebrows. _Stupider than usual_ he quickly amended, which seemed to placate her. She radiated YES to him, but he could not place why. _What was the last thing I remember? Richard. I visited him, did I not . . . Then what? Seems like . . ._ He simply could not seem to grasp it.

 _No matter what I did, I am sorry, Elizabeth._ She seemed to be rolling her eyes at him. Darcy was not losing his mind, despite what Richard would say. He knew that the Elizabeth he conjured up in his mind was not the real Elizabeth in any way. It was closer to his own conscience that he had just projected as the woman he loved so deeply. _Was it really love if I held myself back? If I wanted her to be different than she was. But I did not really want that. I_ do _love her just the way she is. It was just her family . . . yet that does not matter so much anymore. I would be happy with all of it if only –._

Darcy frustratingly scolded himself. _Enough with that silliness. It is not as if you are likely to ever see her again unless you really do give into your creepier side and make her wait on you at Richard’s. Which is_ not _an option._ He finally steeled himself enough to open his eyes. To his true shock and growing horror, he was in a room he did not recognize nor remember.

It was a nice room. Softly decorated with mostly cream and dark blues. Darcy first paid attention to the extremely comfortable bed he was currently resting on. _When was the last time I slept in a bed?_ He seemed rather precariously propped up on what appeared to be a number of pillows. Soft light saturated the room, making it feel even warmer and more comforting. It had some lace and frills but was not overly decorated.

Darcy let his eyes wander across the whole of it, being filled more and more with consternation and surprise. _Where in the heck am I? Think. What is the last thing that happened? I left Richard’s, did I not? I must have done. This is certainly not a room in his house. Too nicely handled to suit him_. He grinned a little at that thought and how Richard would respond to it if he knew Darcy said it.

The grin pulled at the rest of his face, and Darcy’s mind jumped from the room to the state of his body. _Alright, I must have been in a fight. One that is worse than usual._ His body radiated pain. It seemed like once he noticed it, it took over the whole of his brain and was the only thing he could think about. The all-consuming pain. _But you are better than this. Come on. This is clearly important._ He could tell that his face was largely swollen, that his lip was cut, and that he would have a headache if he moved his head even slightly.

Moving to his arms, they ached and were sore, but felt as if they ached because of use rather than something hitting them. Just his hands pulsed in constant pain and felt puffed up. _Which makes sense if I was in a brutal fight. I am sure I would have hit back with my own hands. I hope I did not break a bone in the right one again. That was a devil of a time not using it when it happened at school_.

Darcy would have liked to contemplate the joys of his university days, but knew he had to get through the rest of his body. His legs ached, but in a way that felt normal after long walks and sleeping outside in the cold. _Ah, so the trouble will be in my torso, will it not. Not the smartest place to get hurt._ He tried moving his hands to see if he could pat himself down, but quickly gave up on that. _Sore ribs, but nothing new there. Maybe they are fractured now._ Darcy sighed at himself, scolding past Darcy in his mind. _And that is definitely a bandage I feel wrapped around my side._ Darcy forced himself to lift up the blanket that was pulled up to his chin. He did not have a shirt on, but most of his chest was swathed in bandages. _That does not look good_ , _especially the fact that it seems to have bled through_. _The streets are dangerous, I know that. But still nothing like this has ever happened to me. I rather thought I would simply not wake up one morning or if I did I would still be outside, slowly bleeding out on the pavement. That seems a bit bleak. Is this really what I have decided to do with myself?_ Guilt seized Darcy, as he could not avoid thinking of what Georgiana would say to him. He knew she wanted him to go on with his life, but with her gone, everything seemed so weak. She had passed away so quickly, just a passing disease she could have picked up anywhere. One day she was fine and the next she faded from him. He was powerless to stop it. He had been devastated and did not know what to do once she was gone. This was especially true when he realized he did not even know what he was doing anymore. The old ways seemed just that: old. They no longer seemed to work in this new century, but he did not know what to do instead. 

However, Elizabeth had woken him up to the idea that life still held joy. And yet, he had managed to destroy that with his bumbling. Hs thoughts returned to the way he lived for the past six months or so. _Is this really the way to be a better man? There are boys like Jason and Dick who need someone. They deserve someone. Maybe I could be that person for them, but they would need me to be off the streets too. Maybe it is finally time to go back to my family._ Darcy looked down again at his bound body with the redness of his own blood staining the side. _Maybe once I have healed a little. If I still can._

Feeling troubled about the state of his body, Darcy decided to neglect it for a few minutes, and take in the rest of the room. The warmth of it seemed to cool for Darcy now that he was feeling anxious. _Richard is going to absolutely kill me. And he will be right to_.

He wanted to find something to comfort him and help him to relax, so he really looked at all the details. There were a few random objets d’art on some surfaces, a rather charmingly done statue of a mermaid _in the style of Waterhouse, is it?_ And then, looking at the photograph that was framed, hanging on the wall by a little bookcase cattycorner to the bed, Darcy froze. _I know that photograph. Do I not? I have seen that man and woman before. But where? How?_ Darcy tried to push his mind backwards, but it seemed stuck on the stern looking man in the photograph. It was one of many photographs hanging on the wall, but it was one Darcy could not pull himself away from. It was probably made in the very early nineteen hundred. _Had to have been done before the Great War. But why does he seem so familiar to me? Where could I have seen him before and why would I remember him? Where am I?_

Darcy began to fidget anxiously. The unknown room and vaguely familiar notion that he _ought_ to know something was itching at the back of his mind, pushing him to _think. But think about what?_

For some reason, _but hardly surprising with the way my mind has been working_ , Darcy was pushed backwards in time to a small party he attended. _What, a half year ago? A year?_ It had been at the Lucas’s house. The only party he had ever been at that location. It had been a place where he had been even more smitten by Elizabeth’s fine eyes. He had spent most of the night lingering at the corners of the room, feeling uncomfortable and miserable, except for the moments when he was watching her. Bingley had teased him for how unsocial he was being, _which really should not have surprised a friend who has known me as long as Bingley has_. One moment, he finally gained the courage to approach her. The host of the party interrupted them, which had irritated him greatly that night. As always, he could not seem to remember what he said to her. He had a terrible habit of almost blacking out whenever he spoke to Elizabeth. _A ridiculous and silly thing. I am not like that with any other person. Why did I have to be like that with the one person I would most like to impress. To think well of me._

Darcy turned away from the photograph, feeling overwhelmed with his despondency yet again. _Nothing to think well of, obviously._ But he straightened a little in the bed, regretting the movement instantly. _Nothing yet. But maybe I can do a few small things that would please her. She will not ever even need to know. I will know and that will be enough. Maybe Richard would accidently tell her of me when she goes to administer aid?_

Darcy’s mind was taken up with these pleasanter thoughts when the door of the room opened. Darcy did not see the door or who came through, but he heard something, which made him slowly turn his head in the direction of the sound. _Oh, it is just my Elizabeth. I probably was getting a bit too ahead of myself there. It is not as if I have done any good thing just yet. I do not want to be presumption. My mind can dwell on the happier things once I actually do something right._ He felt a bit clearer as to why his Elizabeth had appeared right after he was feeling like he was in a slightly better place.

But his Elizabeth surprised him even more. She was moving cautiously, as if to lessen the amount of noise she made, which was strange since she could not make any noise outside of his mind. _Is she being considerate of my poor state? Even my fantasy Elizabeth is better than I often am_. She was carrying a tray of items Darcy could not make out, and she set it on the small bookcase. She turned towards him with a cloth in her hand, and Darcy was so surprised he was not sure what to do. He closed his eyes tightly, opening them again, almost expecting things to be shifted back to an alley again with his Elizabeth’s voice raised in reproach.

Instead, the Elizabeth in front of him stopped her hand, as if she just noticed that his eyes were opened. He looked at her warily trying to figure out what was happening. “Oh good, you are awake! You gave us such a scare. Kitty showed up, practically dragging your body with the help of two boys. They said you were a good sort, which seems clearly true with what you did for Kitty. She was the woman you saved – my sister.”

Elizabeth chatted at Darcy, who was not able to process the words she was saying. She then pulled up a chair and sat next to him. “I am just about to clean you up a bit more. I have seen to all of your wounds and cuts, do not worry – I am a doctor.” She stopped talking and seemed to brace herself for some kind of ill response. When she found none, a smile broke out on her face, and she leaned forward pressing the cool cloth to Darcy’s puffed face.

 _What is happening? My Elizabeth only speaks daggers. I have certainly never seen her smile at me_. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The title comes from maybe my favorite Eliot poem “The Hollow Men.” I am afraid that is terribly cliché of me, but I cannot help it. It teaches so well, and I think I always have a warm place in my heart for what goes over well with my students. I am going to use it for the next three chapter titles and will go in order this time:  
> Mistah Kurtz-he dead  
> A penny for the Old Guy
> 
> I
> 
> We are the hollow men  
> We are the stuffed men  
> Leaning together  
> Headpiece filled with straw. Alas!  
> Our dried voices, when  
> We whisper together  
> Are quiet and meaningless  
> As wind in dry grass  
> Or rats' feet over broken glass  
> In our dry cellar
> 
> Shape without form, shade without colour,  
> Paralysed force, gesture without motion;
> 
> Those who have crossed  
> With direct eyes, to death's other Kingdom  
> Remember us-if at all-not as lost  
> Violent souls, but only  
> As the hollow men  
> The stuffed men.
> 
> II
> 
> Eyes I dare not meet in dreams  
> In death's dream kingdom  
> These do not appear:  
> There, the eyes are  
> Sunlight on a broken column  
> There, is a tree swinging  
> And voices are  
> In the wind's singing  
> More distant and more solemn  
> Than a fading star.
> 
> Let me be no nearer  
> In death's dream kingdom  
> Let me also wear  
> Such deliberate disguises  
> Rat's coat, crowskin, crossed staves  
> In a field  
> Behaving as the wind behaves  
> No nearer-
> 
> Not that final meeting  
> In the twilight kingdom


	5. Lips that Would Kiss

She moved the cloth gently over his face, but it still caused it to sting and ache. She soothed the skin left behind with her warm fingers, making a lovely counterpoint to the coolness of the cloth. Darcy could not help but push into her touch a little, which brough an even brighter smile to her face. _She smiles so freely at me. This cannot be my Elizabeth._ Darcy let himself enjoy the ministrations of this Angel Elizabeth, when all the sudden it hit him. _This cannot be an Angel Elizabeth. It is not my fantasy Elizabeth who would surely be yelling at me right now if she were here. This must be THE Elizabeth._ He made an aborted sound of surprise, jostling his own sore ribs, which turned the sound into a moan of pain. 

Elizabeth tsked a bit at him as she worked. “Do not hurt yourself by trying to move too much right now. Let me help you. If you need anything let me know.” She set down the cloth to the side and picked up a cup, which she carefully fed to him. The coolness rushed down Darcy’s throat, soothing the path of parched skin that he had not even noticed was so prevalent. He tried to lift his head up for even more, but Elizabeth gently moved it away.

“You must go slow at first, or you might not be able to keep it down. You will get more, so do not worry.” She let her eyes roam over his person, which made Darcy feel like he was an insect being studied. “I do not know how long you have been on the streets, and I am not sure how you came to be in that alley, Sir. But it does seem like your body has been suffering for a while without you attending to it. Would that be true?”

She paused and made eye contact with Darcy. His heart felt as if it stuttered to a stop as he stared into her beautiful brown eyes. They were soft, warm, gentle, and just a bit inquisitive. _I could easily lose myself in them_. He felt as if they were wrapping him up in warm blankets, the kind you had set before the fire before wrapping around oneself. _Mother used to do that for me_ , his heart clenched even more.

“You seem to be able to follow things with your eyes, and you seem coherent. Yet, you are making me a bit anxious. You have not answered any questions I have asked. Are you having a hard time following me?” She inquired and then sank her hands into his thick, matted hair. Darcy felt shame well up inside of him. _I do not want Elizabeth to see me like this. She should not have to touch my disgusting hair. How can I spare her_? She pressed against his skull, as if she was searching for something, but Darcy got lost in the delicious sensation of her warm fingers applying pressure. It released some tension he did not even realize was there. She was clearly following a specific path, rubbing, and applying the smallest amount of pressure as she went.

“Well, I do not feel any bumps to your skull that need to concern us, so that is good.” Elizabeth looked thoughtful for a moment. “Why do we not use the blinking method. Maybe your words are hard to find this morning, and I am certain nodding your head would not feel nice at all.” She smiled at him, pleased with her solution. It pleased Darcy too, but even more so for that smile. _She is giving me these smiles so freely. It cannot be that she has forgiven me?_ He tried to blink steadily to indicate he agreed to her scheme.

“Good! Now, what hurts the most, I will move through your body and then we will try to alleviate that pain first.” As Elizabeth was setting things up for the carrying out of her plan, she pulled back the blanket and immediately gasped. “Unfortunately, this does not look good. We will have to start here, and then we will check your other wound.” She patted Darcy’s arm. “Also, I am afraid this will hurt quite a bit as I refresh your bandages.”

She made eye contact with Darcy who blinked carefully at her, which caused her to smile. “Thank you for understanding. I will be as careful as I can. I would call for a sister to help me, but they both went out with the two boys who helped bring you here to get them a warm meal.”

Darcy tried to blink rapidly at her. _The two boys? Could it be Jason and Dick? Will they help them?_ Elizabeth seemed to rightly read his eye communication and answered with a smile. “They were very worried for you those two. I did not catch their names, but one was at least a few years older than the other. Sweet kids. My sisters will bring them back here when they are done eating, I am sure. We will not send them out into the streets.” Her voice seemed to get quieter. “Not at any time, but especially not now the weather is getting so cold. No one should be out there on their own through the winter, surely.”

She was cutting away the old bandages and even the slight pressure of the scissors felt deeply unpleasant rubbing against his skin. Darcy managed to grit his teeth, not wanting to make this Elizabeth feel guilty. _She did say she had two sisters, so it cannot be my Elizabeth. Plus, they do not live in a house like this. . . right? Perhaps I am projecting onto this woman Elizabeth’s person? Ugh. I hope not. I feel like that would be putting me at an even creeper level than I wish to be_.

Elizabeth worked quickly, quietly chatting to him the whole time. She was gentle and clearly worked hard to cause him the least amount of pain and even discomfort possible. It made him try to smile at her, but he was afraid it looked more like a grimace.

“There, at least that is done now. And I do think it will hold pretty well for you. As long as you do not get out of bed for a few days. You really need to give yourself time to heal. No getting up too early or you will probably open your stiches up, which would not feel nice. We are only too happy to provide you with a place here.”

Darcy wanted to ask her why and again tried the multiple blinking. She read it quite easily. “Obviously, we ought to help you anyway if you stumbled into our lives. You are someone who needs help, which means we ought to give it to you.”

Darcy was surprised at the swell of comfort and peace that came from those few words. _I suppose that is what Elizabeth was always trying to show me those months ago. All people deserve respect and compassion. I should not think of others beneath me, even if I felt like I was trying to be helpful. It is not very helpful to condescend._ Darcy’s thoughts broke off abruptly when Elizabeth continued talking.

“However, you did not merely stumble into our lives. Do you remember how you came to be here?” She paused to look at his eyes.

He blinked twice.

She nodded. “Now that does not surprise me. To hear Kitty tell it, you were out of it pretty quickly after you two ran.”

 _Wait. This is_ the _Elizabeth_. His heart swelled at how she was treating him, even him. _I suppose that is why I was denying it to myself. I really thought that I was making this all up. But this is Elizabeth, and she does not hate me right now. Rather, she is thanking me._

“She said she was terribly frightened and that you rushed into save her, which she is going to want to thank you for, I have no doubt. As we all do. You did not have to do that, yet you chose to because you are a good man.” Elizabeth squeezed his hand and rubbed absently at the back of it. Darcy felt as if his whole body was on fire with love and the palpable warmth Elizabeth was exuding. He wanted to bask in it. “I am worried for you. It seems as if you have a fever. We are going to work to bring that down, and help you get rid of the cough I can tell is tickling at the back of your throat.” She gave him another drink of water. “With the ribs you have right now, coughing must be extremely painful.”

Darcy blinked once, and then felt ashamed of himself. _As if I have anything to complain about._ He tried to chastise himself. Suddenly, he felt overwhelmed with fatigue and his body felt weighted down. He wanted to sink further and further into the soft bed, allowing it to swallow him. _I feel like I am stealing favor from her_.

Elizabeth moved a bowl over near his head. “This is the fun part. I am going to wash your hair for you. I bet that will feel really good. It will help relieve any itchiness.” Once the words left her mouth, Darcy did feel as if his head was overwhelmingly itchy. _It would feel good to have it actually washed. It has been . . . far too long. And if Elizabeth does this for me, she must not mind. She seems happy to help me. It really is like she has forgiven me._

Elizabeth rested his head against the bowl and poured water over his hair carefully. “I keep wondering what we should call you. The two boys did not have a clue. Apparently, they have been calling you Strange One, which I think does have a certain ring to it.” She smiled at him and then continued with washing his hair.

Darcy felt as if someone had pushed snow does his coat and shirt. _Of course, that is why she is being so nice to me. She does not know who I am. Obviously. Otherwise she would hardly be caring for me from her own hands._ Darcy felt like screaming at himself for being so stupid. Even that little glimmer of hope that he had enjoyed for maybe three minutes felt like a deep betrayal of himself. _Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. To think she would so easily forgive me. That she would be gentle and soft with me and use kind words._ Darcy wanted to shake himself, but felt weighted down, stuck in place.

“There!” Elizabeth pronounced, clearly pleased with herself. “Your hair is all done.” She rubbed at it with a dry towel, which felt divine to Darcy, even as he was trying to steel himself against such luxury. _The sooner I accept this is not meant for me, the better. Oh, my Lord, what am I going to do? I cannot stay here. I could not bear to watch her face when she realized who I was. She would feel so betrayed. And she would be right to. It is not right for me to try to steal her kindness that she means for another._

“I am going to put all this stuff away and will be back shortly with some food and more water for you, Sir. Try to get some rest. We will keep those two boys for when you wake up. I have a feeling they will want to see you again to make sure you are alright for themselves. They do not trust easy those two.”

Darcy only could take in half of the words. His heart was beating so fast, and he felt like he was vibrating off of the bed. _I have to get out of here. Even if I wait a few days, the swelling will have gone down. She will probably offer to shave me, and then she will know it is me. She will see my face, and I will have to see the anger and hate in her eyes. In the real eyes. Yet again. I do not think I am strong enough to handle that. Not strong enough at all._

Darcy tried to calm himself down but was overwhelmed with the desire to _Leave. Run. Get out of here._ He would have to wait for his best chance sometime today and make a run for it. _I can get to Richard’s from here. It is not that far. He would take care of me. He would not mind that it was me._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The title is from the middle section of “The Hollow Men”:  
> III
> 
> This is the dead land  
> This is cactus land  
> Here the stone images  
> Are raised, here they receive  
> The supplication of a dead man's hand  
> Under the twinkle of a fading star.
> 
> Is it like this  
> In death's other kingdom  
> Waking alone  
> At the hour when we are  
> Trembling with tenderness  
> Lips that would kiss  
> Form prayers to broken stone.


	6. Falls the Shadow

He drifted off to sleep despite himself. _I must have slept for a while. It is not yet dark out, but the sun has moved to the other side of the house._ Darcy was unsure of what woke him, until his door was opened and in tumbled Jason and Dick, with Jane and Kitty following somewhat more sedately behind.

Dick rushed over to him first, leaning against his bed. _He looks so much better. Refreshed and rested. He would do so well if he could be in a house and truly cared for._ Darcy looked up at Jason as well, please to see that he looked much like Dick, if still a little wary. _Smart boy that_.

Dick was careful not to touch him, “Strange One, did the doctor lady tell ya? She told us ya would be alright. You ‘already suffered other predicaments that ‘ave directly led to some complications.’ But now that she is treatin’ ya, I think ya will be just fine.”

Jason moved begrudgingly closer as well. “Ya shouldn’t do that to us. Dick here was so worried for ya, ‘e drove the lady mad. She got cross enough to throw us out of ya room.”

Elizabeth entered the room, just overhearing those last few comments. “Oh please. First of all, it was you, Jason, who was being so loud with your questions. Dick looked more stricken. Second of all, I had to ask everyone to leave, not just the two of you. Kitty and Jane were also making it hard to do my job.”

Here, Kitty pushed forward, in between the two boys. “I was so worried for you, Sir. You were so brave and well . . . you saved me.” She turned towards Elizabeth, “Did we get his name yet?”

Elizabeth shook her head, “He still has not been able to speak, but we worked out a different way of communicating. Blink once, yes. Blink twice, no. We do not want to tire the patient out, but Jason and Dick did ask that they have a few moments alone.” Elizabeth pulled them over slightly to the side and said quietly, “try to watch his cues. If he seems like he is getting tired or having a hard time keeping his eyes open, you must let him rest. There will be plenty of time to speak with him later. Promise?”

“Yes ma’am,” they chorused together. She fondly shook her head at them and went back out, followed by Kitty and Jane.

Darcy waited patiently to hear the creaking of their footsteps. He motioned the boys to come close to him. “Hey Tree and Silver. You two alright? They been treating you well?”

Dick got visibly excited. “They said ya didn’t know ‘ow to talk.”

“Not that ‘e didn’t know ‘ow. That ‘e couldn’t talk.”

Dick rolled his eyes, “Fine. Why ya talkin’ now then?”

Darcy was not sure, but he felt himself heat up. _Maybe it is just the fever._

Jason broke in, “Ya sure are turning pink, Strange One.”

Darcy laughed despite himself. But it descended into choking. Dick took the glass of water off to the side and helped him drink a little. “Thank you, Tree. You and I have looked out for each other, have we not?” He asked, searching their eyes, and hoping to find that they would be amenable to helping him. _There is no way I will be able to make the journey on my own, even if it is not that far away._

“’Course!” Dick exclaimed. Jason gave a noncommittal shrug. _Better than I have ever gotten from him before_.

“You two deciphered that I was not really always on the streets. That I probably had a home somewhere.”

“Yeah, figured it had ta do with somefing bad happen’ with that Elizabeth girl ya always speaking to.”

Darcy turned even darker red. “Yes, well, that is pretty accurate. When I was first passing out, Kitty wanted to take me to the hospital, but I got her to promise she would not take me because I knew Elizabeth worked there and that I would get recognized eventually.”

“She a nurse or somfing?”

“No. She is a doctor.”

“I didn’t think there were that many lady doctors. And here is one in this house plus one in the ‘ospital?” Dick asked in consternation.

Darcy tried to take a deep breath, but that hurt his ribs something fierce, so his sight turned into a stifled moan. “She is one in the same, as it happens. I was not doing my best of thinking since I was passing out and all. So out of pure bad luck, Kitty brought me right to her sister. The very person I am keen not to be recognized by.”

Dick could not help the laugh that sprung from him, and Jason did not even try. “Oi, that is bad luck.”

“Would’ve been worse if ya ‘adn’t been ‘elped at all. We saw ya. It was right bad.”

Darcy agreed. “It was lucky to be treated by her.” His eyes glazed over a little. _She was so kind and gentle. She really is an excellent doctor. I want to get better just to be a credit to her work_.

“Oi. Ya still with us then?”

“Sorry. Yes. So, the thing of it is, I need to get out of here. I cannot be in her home when my swelling goes down and she recognizes me. I just cannot take that.”

The two boys shifted in their feet a little. Finally, Dick worked up his courage enough to reply, “But the thing is, ya can’t be out on the streets like this. Especially not after ya beat so many of the Hoxts. They’ll be out ta get ya.”

Before Jason could join in with his disagreement, Darcy shook his head. “You are very right. And I would never want to endanger you two either. Someone could have seen you helping me. We must stay away from the Hoxton land for some time now.”

The two boys nodded vigorously, which made Darcy smile. “So, this is my plan. I am hoping you two can help me get to my cousin’s. It is not too far away, just a few streets over. He will be happy to help me, and he will definitely have room enough for the two of you.” Jason gave him a cautious look, so Darcy added, “You can stay in my room if you need.”

“Ya ‘ave to leave ‘ere?” Dick pressed one last time.

Darcy nodded. “I do. Even if you do not feel right helping me, which I would understand. I will need to leave. I . . . I just cannot stay here. It would crush me to be recognized, and I think it would disappoint the doctor as well. She does not deserve that.” _Am I manipulating them? Is this wrong of me? I just cannot stay here. I really cannot._ Darcy tried to mentally prepare himself for the move. He knew this was going to be painful. _No way I can make it to Richard’s without tearing my stiches_.

Jason spoke for both the boys. “We’ll ‘elp ya. Tell us where we goin’”

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Richard was just about to sit down to a nicely laid out supper. He had a cook come in a few times each week, and it always felt like a special occasion to him. However, just before he got to raise the fork to his mouth, he heard a commotion toward the back of his house. “Darcy?” He called, knowing that no one else would be coming that way this time of day.

When he did not hear a response, he reluctantly pushed himself away from the table. All of the sudden he felt a strange fissure down his spine, and he was worried. He quickly moved to the back door and was shocked to find a young boy who looked no older than eight to his eyes trying to prop it open. When the boy saw him, he grinned a little. “Ya Richard? Strange One told us to come ‘ere, but then ‘e passed out on us ‘alf way ‘ere. This the right place?”

“Strange One?” Was the question Richard settled on.

“”E’s ‘ere if ya want to see ‘im. Supposed ta be yer cousin?”

“William!” He shouted, louder than he meant to, but he could finally see what was behind the lad. Another boy struggling with the wait of “William! Come on, let me help you. Get him in here.” Richard rushed over to help. He took more of Darcy’s weight, and together they hobbled over to a chair.

Resting Darcy against the chair, Richard’s mind was racing. “He looks both better than when I saw him yesterday and much worse. But what is all this?” Richard gestured to the bandages. “Was he at the hospital?”

“No, but we were at this lady doctor’s ‘ouse. She was ‘elpin’ ‘im.”

“Seemed ‘appy to do it too.”

“But when Strange One ‘ere, woke up. ‘E freaked out. ‘Ad to get away.”

“Said ‘e do it with or without us. We didn’t trust ‘im to make it on ‘is own, so we ‘elped.”

Richard nodded. “I am very glad you two helped. Thank you. We will get William settled and then see to you both.”

Darcy finally decided to join in the conversation, coming back into awareness, “Richard. Sorry. . . to bother you” he broke off to pant a little. “I just need a place to recover. You will help Dick and Jason here, right? I said they would be able to stay. They cannot go back out there with the gang.”

Richard nodded. “Of course, Darcy. But first we need to get you into a bed. And I am going to have to call Dr. Bennet.”

Darcy started shaking his head aggressively. “No, please.”

“Look. It sounds like you just were at hers, and you were daft enough to leave. Now you are at my house. I am not going to let you die. If I feel like the doctor is needed, I am going to call for the doctor.” Richard did not stamp his foot, but it was a near thing. “Come Jason and Dick, you will help me get this stubborn idiot into the bed, so that he does not die despite what he is trying to do to himself.”

Jason and Dick nodded and moved to help. Dick leaned over to Jason and whispered, “I like this one.”

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

After they settled Darcy into the bed, Richard had looked him over. He seemed fatigued but his wounds mostly looked alright, with the exception of the one on his side. It had begun bleeding again, which was worrying Richard than he cared to admit. He got to his phone, knowing that Dr. Bennet had one in her house just for such occasions. He quickly rang her, waiting impatiently for her to answer. “You better be fine, William. I will never forgive you if your mad dash here – ” he broke off what he was going to say when he heard a woman’s voice on the line.

“Hello, this is Dr. Bennet.”

“Thank God, Dr. Bennet. I need you to make a house call as soon as you can.” Richard rushed to get his words out.

“Is this Colonel Fitzwilliam?” Elizabeth asked. “I will come as soon as I am able, but we are in a bit of a crises here.”

“Ah. I think I know your crises.” He mumbled to himself. “Please come, Dr. Bennet. I think you will want to be here as soon as possible.”

“Wait, what? Colonel what do you mean.”

Richard bit his lip uncertainly. “We have a man who turned up, clearly he had been well cared for, but he has this one wound that has reopened, and I know it needs to be stitched up. I would do it myself, but I wanted you to check him all over anyway. I think he has a bad cough and fever too.”

“You are kidding.” Elizabeth’s voice sounded almost like steel. “I am going to be right over. What got into that man?” She asked in exacerbation.

Richard felt so much better as he rung off. He went back into Darcy’s room and leaned against the doorway. Darcy’s pale face stood out in sharp contrast to his dark hair and beard. Richard saw the glassy eyes of Darcy roving around, settling on him a bit. He was rubbing at his beard in deep confusion and seeming frustration.

“A beard?” Darcy murmured. “I have never liked a beard.” He slurred his words a bit.

Richard came and sat down next to him, feeling a bit guilty for his own gleefulness. “No, you never have, Cuz. Would you like me to shave you nice and clean?”

“Would you? Richard, please.”

“I will do it right away. Let me see to your two boys first. I want to set them up with food in the dining room and then I will be back.” He patted Darcy’s shoulder as he got up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The title is from the last section of “The Hollow Men.” The images in this poem still hit pretty hard.  
> IV
> 
> The eyes are not here  
> There are no eyes here  
> In this valley of dying stars  
> In this hollow valley  
> This broken jaw of our lost kingdoms
> 
> In this last of meeting places  
> We grope together  
> And avoid speech  
> Gathered on this beach of the tumid river
> 
> Sightless, unless  
> The eyes reappear  
> As the perpetual star  
> Multifoliate rose  
> Of death's twilight kingdom  
> The hope only  
> Of empty men.
> 
> V
> 
> Here we go round the prickly pear  
> Prickly pear prickly pear  
> Here we go round the prickly pear  
> At five o'clock in the morning.
> 
> Between the idea  
> And the reality  
> Between the motion  
> And the act  
> Falls the Shadow  
> For Thine is the Kingdom
> 
> Between the conception  
> And the creation  
> Between the emotion  
> And the response  
> Falls the Shadow  
> Life is very long
> 
> Between the desire  
> And the spasm  
> Between the potency  
> And the existence  
> Between the essence  
> And the descent  
> Falls the Shadow  
> For Thine is the Kingdom
> 
> For Thine is  
> Life is  
> For Thine is the
> 
> This is the way the world ends  
> This is the way the world ends  
> This is the way the world ends  
> Not with a bang but a whimper.


	7. Memory and Desire

“Thank you for coming on such short notice, Dr. Bennet.” Richard said as he opened the door for Elizabeth. He fiddled a bit with the latch, wondering if this really was the best thing for his cousin, but decided something had to be done. “This way. We put the patient upstairs.”

“Let me wash my hands before I go up.” Elizabeth said. Richard nodded, and they made a quick stop for her. Then, Elizabeth carried her bag with her as she followed Richard’s lead upstairs. “You said you thought he had been treated before? You seemed to think he was the patient I was searching for in my own home?”

“Yes, well. I do not think he was in his best frame of mind. Poor idiot. Two rascals brought him in too.”

“You do not mean Dick and Jason?” Elizabeth almost stopped walking she was so surprised. They had really been worried about the two boys and figured they just did not want to stay inside too long.

“I rather think I do. Ah, here we are Doctor.” Richard opened the door and let Elizabeth precede him into the room. He rubbed his hands a bit anxiously and leaned against the wall to see what would happen, readying himself to leave if things seemed to be going well.

Elizabeth neared the patient and then stopped short. She half turned to Richard, “This is Mr. Darcy?” She looked back at the man in bed, his hair was still long, but since she had washed it not too long ago, it had been left to slightly curl. It looked luscious now that it had been cared for. But what brought Elizabeth up short was his face. Clearly still bruised and much of it swollen, someone had taken the time to shave it. All distorted and discolored, Elizabeth still found herself half smiling at this maddening, handsome man. “This _is_ Mr. Darcy.”

Richard was nodding behind her. “Afraid so, Dr. Bennet. Was not really sure how to tell you that over the phone, and I do rather think he needs to get rechecked over. Like I said his stitches.”

Elizabeth peeled back the quilt and immediately began setting to work. “Some warm water if you would.” She called behind her. “And some sense for your cousin,” she mumbled to herself. She worked quickly, but she felt herself wanting to stop and just take him in. She had not seen Darcy since their dreadful last meeting where he proposed of all things. She had been deeply shocked and regretted most of her harsh words, especially after his letter. “What were you doing on the streets?” She asked his sleeping form. She pushed aside all these thoughts and applied herself to his treatment.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Darcy felt someone pulling at his body, and he tried to turn away. He moaned softly as he discovered his body refused to cooperate with him now. He blinked his eyes begrudgingly, wishing he were still sleeping. But the pull at this skin was persistent and not to be ignored.

“Decided to finally wake up have you?”

A voice cut through Darcy’s confusion. _Wait, that is Elizabeth’s voice._ He looked around and noticed he was at Richard’s. _Of course, he called his doctor. I am an idiot_. _She probably still has not recognized me._ His own traitorous voice mocked him for that thought. _Right, of course she has. Why else would I be at Richard’s. Also, it is not like he would not tell her who I was. It would be stranger to pretend he did not know me_.

Elizabeth’s face bobbed down into his view. “You will be happy to know that you did not cause yourself further injury by your ridiculous stunt. You lost a bit more blood, but I think Jason and Dick deserve a reward for being sure you did not do too much. I am sure they full carried you here. Of course, they also deserve a good talking to – I cannot imagine what they were thinking moving you at all let alone so many streets down.” Elizabeth shook her head.

“N…” Darcy tried to breath and manage to speak, “No. Please do not blame them. They were only helping me, knowing that I would probably kill myself if I went alone. And I would have done that if they did not help.”

Elizabeth let out a big sigh and sat down on the bed, next to him. He felt his heart start to pick up its beat. _I can feel the warmth of her through the quilt_. Darcy let a small smile flit across his face.

“That is hardly acceptable. That means I only have you to yell at.” Elizabeth fiddled with something just outside of his periphery. “Not that I am out of practice, mind you.”

Darcy felt his heart clench and his whole body tighten, preparing itself for further damage. _My imagination has done a credible job of supplying new insults from the voice of Elizabeth. But I am really not sure I can handle new ones. From her own mouth._ Darcy felt himself really start to panic. Breathing seemed impossible. _How does one breath? This is what I feared all along. She was not supposed to recognize me._ Darcy leaned into the spiral of his thoughts, allowing them to sweep him along. He felt sick but like it was necessary.

“Mr. Darcy!” Elizabeth’s clear voice anchored him to the moment, and she carefully took his hand. She held it gently but rubbed against the palm just a little with her thumb. _Just as she did in her own home_. “I am not really going to yell at you. I was joking about the practice. Trying to relive some of the awkwardness between us.” She laughed a bit, notably awkward, and moved her other hand to move some of his hair from his face. She let herself stare into his dark eyes. They looked like pools of liquid obsidian, glinting small sparks of fire when the light hit them. “I am only frustrated that you were so cavalier with yourself. You frightened me, along with poor Kitty. She was so sure you ran away and were going to get yourself killed by the same gang that attacked her. We want you to be safe.”

 _Safe? Why would she care about my safety?_ His confusion must have been printed clearly on his face.

Elizabeth bit her lip, which Darcy found quite distracting. _It is hard enough to concentrate right now with my mind so muddled. Please do not be so charming, Elizabeth._ He realized he must have actually spoken because she laughed at him. “Oh, I am sorry Mr. Darcy. I do not mean to charm you out of thought.” _Body, please melt and become one with this bed._ Darcy thought in vain.

“William, please.” He managed to grit out.

Elizabeth smiled at him, her dimples making a fleeting appearance, which Darcy wished he could hold in his mind always. _Much happier than most of the images I have of Elizabeth._

“William. I want you to know that I am not angry with you as you seem to think.”

“You were.” He murmured.

Elizabeth nodded at him sadly, still holding his hand in her own.

“I deserved it.” He added quietly.

“I do not think we can agree about that.” Elizabeth tried to laugh a little, wanting to keep the tone of the conversation a bit light-hearted. “You did not always act best, but, as I came to see after, you were more than happy to learn from when you had done wrong.”

 _What does she mean? She cannot know that I have been working so hard to improve . . . I mean if you can call it that. I_ have _been working to improve the small space I found myself in, but I did sort of . . . definitely let myself wallow_.

“William, I do not think you are thinking in your head as much as you think you are.”

“Did I say all that out loud too?” Even more embarrassment seized him.

“Stop shaming yourself.” Elizabeth teased a little. “I am proud of you for working on making yourself better, but I do think you wallowed in a pretty unhealthy way. You have lived on the streets the past several months? Really, William?”

He definitely felt himself turn bright red.

“Anyway, I meant before that even. I read your letter, you know? And I found it very convincing. It helped that you sent Bingley back so quickly. I think not even a week passed before he showed up on our doorstep. Then, when I heard what you did on behalf of Lydia, when you had no hope of a reward – ” Elizabeth broke off, clearly much moved. Darcy was embarrassed and frustrated for Richard for giving him up. “Besides all that. In your letter, the concern for how I was doing following the death of my parents was charity itself. Especially with what had happened with your own sister.” She squeezed his hand a little. Darcy felt warmth radiating from her hand hold, his body finally seeming to relax.

“You do not hate me, Dr. Bennet?”

“Come come. If you are William, you have to call me Elizabeth surely.” Darcy almost asked his question again, when Elizabeth continued, “No. I do not hate you at all. I am sorry that I made – ”

“Elizabeth, please. You did not make me do anything. I made my own choices these past months.”

She smiled at him. “Yes, you did. And some really stupid choices too. But I have regretted many of the words I said that day. I did not understand you.”

“What words did you say that I did not deserve?” He asked, squeezing her own hand back this time. “I have been driven mad by my own frustration and disappointment in who I am.” Darcy leaned back, all the sudden feeling all of his tiredness weigh down on him again.

There was a quiet knock at the door. “Is the patient able to see two young boys who helped him with his daring escape and are feeling worried that they hurt the person they look up to?” Richard asked poking his head into the room.

Elizabeth laughed softly and said something Darcy was not able to understand. _She is so beautiful when she laughs. I never thought I would be able to see this without her laughing_ at _me._

Jason and Dick entered the room with a bit of trepidation. “Are ya going to be alright?” Jason surprised Darcy by asking first. Dick seemed a bit shocked. _Perhaps it is because my beard is gone_.

“Yes. The doctor here said I will heal if I let myself rest. And I promise not to repeat my bad behavior and go trying to get out of bed too soon.”

Elizabeth smiled and moved out of the way so that Jason and Dick could get closer. “Yes, we will need you two to watch him carefully.” She added, smiling in amusement at the two boys who so clearly doted on Darcy.

“Ya said she’d be furious with ya when she recognized ya. Wasn’t that the whole point of movin’ ye?”

“Yes. I am afraid I was not thinking clearly. Also, it seems she is more forgiving than I expected.”

Dick leaned down, “Yer face. It’s all clean!”

Darcy laughed, but his aching ribs stopped him from laughing too much. “Richard shaved me when I was unawares.”

“Not so, Cuz! Do not give me a bad name. You were begging me to shave you. I cannot believe the beard lasted as long as it did, you hate hair on your face so much.”

Dick leaned in closely to Darcy’s face, _aiming for my ear, I suppose_. “Ya won’t ask us to do anythin’ like that ‘gain, will ya? We didn’t know we were hurtin’ ya none. It’s not fair to ‘ave us do that.”

Darcy tried to compose himself to give Dick a good answer. “You are right, Dick. I promise not to ask you to do something that is not good for me again. Although, I think you both saved my life.” Darcy’s mind was buzzing as he considered these two boys that fate seemed to place in his life. He could not believe that they would just be living outside for another winter if they had not met. _What a life. So cruel to them that they could just be forgotten in this way. I wonder if they know more boys who might need help. I wonder if that would be a good use of Pemberley now_.

“We did?” asked Jason, the astonishment clear on his face, which made Darcy return his look with a warm smile.

“Alright.” Elizabeth called softly. “Time to let the patient rest.” She locked eyes with Darcy right as she was about to leave. Individually, they both thought it was a look that promised a great deal. _It feels wonderful that she has forgiven me, but that does not mean she wants to be with me_. Darcy felt himself slipping back into sleep but felt slightly anxious with this thought lingering in his mind. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The title comes from another poem of Eliot’s I really love “The Wasteland.” The whole of it is too long to share, but here is the first bit:  
> I. The Burial of the Dead
> 
> April is the cruellest month, breeding  
> Lilacs out of the dead land, mixing  
> Memory and desire, stirring  
> Dull roots with spring rain.  
> Winter kept us warm, covering  
> Earth in forgetful snow, feeding  
> A little life with dried tubers.  
> Summer surprised us, coming over the Starnbergersee  
> With a shower of rain; we stopped in the colonnade,  
> And went on in sunlight, into the Hofgarten,  
> And drank coffee, and talked for an hour.  
> Bin gar keine Russin, stamm’ aus Litauen, echt deutsch.  
> And when we were children, staying at the arch-duke’s,  
> My cousin’s, he took me out on a sled,  
> And I was frightened. He said, Marie,  
> Marie, hold on tight. And down we went.  
> In the mountains, there you feel free.  
> I read, much of the night, and go south in the winter.
> 
> What are the roots that clutch, what branches grow  
> Out of this stony rubbish? Son of man,  
> You cannot say, or guess, for you know only  
> A heap of broken images, where the sun beats,  
> And the dead tree gives no shelter, the cricket no relief,  
> And the dry stone no sound of water. Only  
> There is shadow under this red rock,  
> (Come in under the shadow of this red rock),  
> And I will show you something different from either  
> Your shadow at morning striding behind you  
> Or your shadow at evening rising to meet you;  
> I will show you fear in a handful of dust.  
> Frisch weht der Wind  
> Der Heimat zu  
> Mein Irisch Kind,  
> Wo weilest du?  
> “You gave me hyacinths first a year ago;  
> “They called me the hyacinth girl.”  
> —Yet when we came back, late, from the Hyacinth garden,  
> Your arms full, and your hair wet, I could not  
> Speak, and my eyes failed, I was neither  
> Living nor dead, and I knew nothing,  
> Looking into the heart of light, the silence.  
> Oed’ und leer das Meer.
> 
> Madame Sosostris, famous clairvoyante,  
> Had a bad cold, nevertheless  
> Is known to be the wisest woman in Europe,  
> With a wicked pack of cards. Here, said she,  
> Is your card, the drowned Phoenician Sailor,  
> (Those are pearls that were his eyes. Look!)  
> Here is Belladonna, the Lady of the Rocks,  
> The lady of situations.  
> Here is the man with three staves, and here the Wheel,  
> And here is the one-eyed merchant, and this card,  
> Which is blank, is something he carries on his back,  
> Which I am forbidden to see. I do not find  
> The Hanged Man. Fear death by water.  
> I see crowds of people, walking round in a ring.  
> Thank you. If you see dear Mrs. Equitone,  
> Tell her I bring the horoscope myself:  
> One must be so careful these days.
> 
> Unreal City,  
> Under the brown fog of a winter dawn,  
> A crowd flowed over London Bridge, so many,  
> I had not thought death had undone so many.  
> Sighs, short and infrequent, were exhaled,  
> And each man fixed his eyes before his feet.  
> Flowed up the hill and down King William Street,  
> To where Saint Mary Woolnoth kept the hours  
> With a dead sound on the final stroke of nine.  
> There I saw one I knew, and stopped him, crying: “Stetson!  
> “You who were with me in the ships at Mylae!  
> “That corpse you planted last year in your garden,  
> “Has it begun to sprout? Will it bloom this year?  
> “Or has the sudden frost disturbed its bed?  
> “Oh keep the Dog far hence, that’s friend to men,  
> “Or with his nails he’ll dig it up again!  
> “You! hypocrite lecteur!—mon semblable,—mon frère!”


	8. Fire and the Rose are One

Darcy picked at the quilt that covered most of his body. He was feeling anxious and stressed while simultaneously happy and elated. It honestly exhausted him. _It is wonderful that she forgave me. Why can I not be happy with that? That was more than I ever expected to get just yesterday._ When he picked up his hand to try to grab the water Richard had left at his bed, it was shaking. He squeezed his hand into a fist, which ached. He brought it back to the bed, letting it shake against the quilt.

 _Seeing her again, awoke the passion in me again. . . Not as if it ever went away. She is such a woman. Fierce, strong, bold, beautiful. I do not understand how ever man does not throw himself at her?_ “You are being ridiculous, Darcy.” He spoke allowed, trying to castigate himself, but he was not fooled. _No. I am right. She burns with the spark of fire that cannot be easily extinguished, yet she is soft and gentle like a rose._

Richard did not even bother to knock, he just boldly entered Darcy’s room. “Still pining, I see. I would have thought that seeing your object of affection fawn all over you, praising you for rescuing her sister no less, would have you in a more positive frame of mind. But trust Darcy to see the worst in any event. Always a reason to be moody, eh?”

“Richard.” Darcy moaned.

“Seriously, this is a good position to be in, William.” Richard patted his shoulder. “She likes you, even I can tell that. She wants you to get better and has already assured us she would be by later tonight again to check on you.”

“I know she has been gracious and forgiven me, but I am afraid I will not be satisfied until I have her love.”

Richard tsked at him, “William, this is the time to gain that love. She is caring for you, and she knows you now on a completely different level than she used to. This is good. Give her a chance to come around. And give yourself a chance too. You need to continue to live. I know the past year and a half without Georgie has been terrible. But you look so much better with Dr. Bennet’s care. Let yourself have this.”

Darcy shrugged and was about to press his point even further, _as if Richard can understand_ , when the door burst open. Dick and Jason came pouring into the room.

Richard rolled his eyes and moved out of the way. “Take care of him for me, boys, alright?”

“Sure thin’” Jason responded, settling himself at the foot of the bed. Dick took the chair that had been placed by Darcy’s head.

“We were told ya wanted to see us?” Dick asked.

Darcy smiled at them. “Yes. I wanted to ask you something rather delicate. I do not want you to feel compelled to give me an answer yet, but I ask that you consider this carefully. I would be honored if you would come live with me. I have a house much like this one . . . perhaps a bit larger. It is far too empty – I . . . I had a sister who lived there with me, but not for some time now. Too much room, and I miss someone else being there. Plus, I would feel better if you do not get mixed up with Hoxtons or anyone like that. You know they will be looking for you now. This will keep you safe.”

“Only to keep us safe?” Dick sounded despondent.

 _I am such an idiot._ “No, not at all. I want you both to be safe, but I also think you are two good boys that will become good men. I want you to join our family, if you approve.”

“Of course!” Dick cheered.

He looked over to Jason who looked a bit unsure. “I’ll think ‘bout it.” 

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Elizabeth had come by in the morning and night of each day the past two days. It filled Darcy with warmth and coldness. He could not believe how gentle she was being with him, but it just was not enough. _I want so much more from her. I want to be worthy of her. I want her to want to be with me. To want me to be healthy for my own sake, not just because I helped save Kitty. I guess I am like Dick in that way. I do not want to be merely safe. I want to be loved_.

She smiled at him, sensing his despondency. “Are you feeling alright, William?”

He nodded, trying to smile for her, but sure he failed.

“Your bruises are looking good. A lot of the swelling is going down. Is something else bothering you?”

Darcy shrugged, thinking of what he wanted and how he wished Georgie was there to ask for her help navigating Elizabeth.

Elizabeth fixed him with a firm look. “What is past is past. Move forward, and do not dwell on what you could have done. It is not too late to do differently now.”

 _I wish I knew what precisely she was speaking about._ Darcy unconsciously chewed his lip, which caught Elizabeth’s gaze. She stared at it for a beat too long, but Darcy was caught up in staring at Elizabeth’s lips himself, so missed where her gaze was fixed.

“I will be by in the morning before my other rounds. We can continue our discussion, if you like?”

“That would be perfect, Elizabeth.”

Elizabeth laughed as she packed up her things.

Darcy blushed fiercely, trying to think of something other than blurting out _Well, I am just as in love with you as I ever was. If not more. And all I can think about is getting you to love me too_. The silence seemed to stretch between them. Darcy cringed at his own clumsiness.

“See you tomorrow.” Elizabeth said.

As she left, Richard came in. “Good news all around. I heard Dr. Bennet say you can get out of bed now. It is a good thing Mother is bringing you some clothes. You will be able to sit in a chair with proper togs on. A good sign I think.”

Darcy nodded, his mind elsewhere.

“I must say I did not think you would look this good just a few days after your fight. Your cold seems to have gone away too. Just goes to show you were really neglecting yourself on the streets, as I kept telling you.”

“Yes, Richard. You are so smart and wise. I will always listen to you from now on.”

“None of that cheek. I think we all know what to credit with your miraculous healing. If a good woman were looking after me so diligently, I suppose I would have healed from the gun wound in my leg in half the time.”

“Richard.” Darcy tried to warn.

“Fine. But you are no fun, William. I am glad Mother gets here soon. She will help me against you. Dick and Jason are still too beholden to you to be uppity, but I bet with the influence of both me and Mother, we will bring them to our side.”

Darcy smiled despite himself, picturing the fun Aunt Evelyn would have with the two boys.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The conversation Darcy had with Aunt Evelyn went surprisingly well. She offered some advice on how to approach Elizabeth, whom she was anxious to meet. Her confidence in her nephew’s ability to win anyone over, really did help his own confidence level. _I think maybe I need to have that conversation with Elizabeth in the morning_. Overall, Aunt Evelyn was much more understanding than he expected, which made him feel foolish when she reminded him how she had promised his mother to look after him and Georgiana. They even managed to talk about Georgiana’s passing. She held his hand and explained that he was the last of her dear sister’s children. She wanted to care for him and see him happy and well settled.

“Do not be too hard on yourself, sweet William. It is in your nature to take on the pain of all the world, and you tend to forget that there are those of us who would share your burdens, especially since you have so often done that for us.”

“Thank you, Aunt Evelyn. You are better than I deserve.”

“None of that. What was I just saying? I am happy to help you, William! Now, tell me about the two boys who told me they are moving in with you? What are their names?”

Darcy squeezed her hand overwhelmed with her thoughtfulness and allowed her to change the subject. He happily told her of the two boys and his plans for them. It led to discussion on continuing the help for the people he was seeing populating the streets of London. Aunt Evelyn surprised him further by reminding him of her dear friend who is known for her charity work.

“She would happily help you set something up. Maybe a home for boys in that big house you still have in Derbyshire?”

Darcy looked at her in surprise. “You think that would be acceptable? I would think you would consider that a betrayal of it or of my ancestry or something?”

“Of course not, silly boy. You forget that your mother and I were the first ones to offer our home for use as a hospital twenty years ago.”

Darcy sat up even straighter. They spent the next hour making plans, and Darcy realized he finally felt like his life was knitting back together after losing Georgiana.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Elizabeth came as promised and had expected to be introduced to the famed Evelyn Fitzwilliam right away. She was looking forward to meeting her and forming her own opinion. Apparently, that was to be delayed until later. Richard told her Darcy was waiting for her in his room, but the way he said it made it feel more auspicious than just a normal day.

She opened the door and was struck by the handsomeness of the man before her. He was finally sitting up on his own in a chair by a window, giving him a view of the park. He was dressed the way she always thought of him in a clean, beautifully cut suit. She could almost imagine no time having passed since they had danced together at Netherfield. But then he turned to look at her, and she saw the pain in his eyes.

“Oh, William, are you in pain today?”

“Nothing like that.” He shook his head and gestured to another chair that had been placed near the one he occupied. “I need to speak with you about something, and I am rather anxious about it. Aunt Evelyn made me promise to have this conversation with you before I introduced you. She did not want me to delay it.”

“Alright.” Elizabeth sat down, abuzz with curiosity, but a bit anxious as well.

“You are too kind to trifle with me, Elizabeth. I must tell you that I still ardently admire and love you. My love for you seems to be the surest thing in the world to me. It is what makes up my understanding of the cosmos, what helps me feel most myself. However, I do not want to force this on you. I understand if you only wished to forgive me and will be silent on the matter entirely going forward. But I just had to know if I have even the smallest chance of winning you over?”

Elizabeth felt herself positively glow. “William, I am pleased to tell you that my feelings and thoughts have undergone a material change. They are quite the opposite of what I used to think. It shames me to remember what I said.” She could see he was about to say something, so she raised her hand, and he let her continue.

“We do not need to debate if the words were merited or not. Just know that, now, I consider you to be one of the finest men I have ever met. I cannot imagine a person being more suited to myself. You respect me. You want me to be successful. I know you have helped open people’s minds about seeing a female doctor. That alone, should have told me that you would let me have a mind of my own. You do not expect me to conform to your world, and I think that is the most beautiful thing. You love me just the way I am, and I too think you help me to feel most myself. I did not realize how much I missed our verbal sparring until I did not see you for so many months.”

Elizabeth grabbed Darcy’s hand and stood up. She stooped down to meet his lips, making sure he did not overexert himself. The sun shone through the window, heating both of their skins so that they could not tell if it was setting them aflame or merely looking that way. Darcy felt heady with the strength of their kiss.

“Well, then.” Elizabeth smiled down into Darcy’s warm, deep eyes.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Darcy tried to remember the last time he felt part of such a family. Richard had invited everyone he could think of, saying that everyone needed a feast. Kitty, Jane, and Bingley came. Elizabeth was already there as were Dick, Jason, and Aunt Evelyn. A few of Richard’s friends Darcy did not even catch the names of were sitting at the far end. Every seat at Richard’s table was filled.

_Not even when Georgiana was alive, did we ever feast like this. Everyone so lively and happy to be here. I wish she could have lived to see it. To have met Elizabeth._ His heart tinged with bittersweet remembrance. Richard had set a good table for them, and the boisterous crowd was eating merrily. Aunt Evelyn beamed, often leaning down and teasing Dick and Jason. They all got along with each other as old family. She treated them like Darcy remember her treating him as a child, teasing but with deep love centering them. _That is going to go well. I am so glad they are coming to live with me. They will be an integral part of the family. Maybe I can see about adoption at some point, but for now I need to get them enrolled at a good school. I wonder how much they need to catch up on._

 _Why did I cut myself off from such good people?_ Darcy wondered. _I spent so many months wallowing, and for what?_ Elizabeth seemed to sense he was getting maudlin and grabbed his hand under the table. She smiled at him and drew him into the conversation. Everyone agreed it was one of the best dinners they had ever had, and Richard made plans with Jane and Bingley to come again soon. Darcy settled back into his chair, feeling like it was his new life, and felt consumed with joy. Elizabeth whispered something into his ear, to make sure the two boys could not hear, and Darcy felt true peace.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The title for this chapter comes from Four Quartets, which I think is a lovely bit of poetry (but I honestly grew fond of it because of all the fan art that people did to mark its anniversary some years back, most especially Makoto Fujimura’s brilliant pieces). It is also much too long to put here, but this is the last two stanzas:
> 
> With the drawing of this Love and the voice of this  
> Calling
> 
> We shall not cease from exploration  
> And the end of all our exploring  
> Will be to arrive where we started  
> And know the place for the first time.  
> Through the unknown, unremembered gate  
> When the last of earth left to discover  
> Is that which was the beginning;  
> At the source of the longest river  
> The voice of the hidden waterfall  
> And the children in the apple-tree  
> Not known, because not looked for  
> But heard, half-heard, in the stillness  
> Between two waves of the sea.  
> Quick now, here, now, always—  
> A condition of complete simplicity  
> (Costing not less than everything)  
> And all shall be well and  
> All manner of thing shall be well  
> When the tongues of flame are in-folded  
> Into the crowned knot of fire  
> And the fire and the rose are one.


	9. Reconciled Among the Stars

Jane held Elizabeth’s hand as they walked home after the delicious feast at Cornel Fitzwilliam’s. Bingley had chosen to stay late with the other men, talking late into the night, and Jane rather hoped to get Elizabeth to talk to her as well. “Come now, sister. Do not think I was so wrapped up in Bingley that I did not notice what was going on between you and Mr. Darcy. Whatever happened between the two of you? I understand that he helped Kitty, which is more than commendable, but you have always hated him, haven’t you?”

Elizabeth squeezed Jane’s hand and decided to open her heart to her. She knew that suspicion was very far from Jane’s general habits, but she was absolutely incredulous here.

“You are joking, Lizzy. This cannot be!—you kissed Mr. Darcy? No, no, you shall not deceive me. I know it to be impossible.”

“This is a wretched beginning indeed! My sole dependence was on you; and I am sure nobody else will believe me, if you do not. Yet, indeed, I am in earnest. I speak nothing but the truth. He still loves me, and I find that I love him.”

Jane looked at her doubtingly. “Oh, Lizzy! it cannot be. I know how much you dislike him.”

“You know nothing of the matter. That is all to be forgot. Perhaps I did not always love him so well as I do now. But in such cases as these, a good memory is unpardonable. This is the last time I shall ever remember it myself.”

Miss Bennet still looked all amazement. Elizabeth again, and more seriously assured her of its truth.

“Good Heaven! can it be really so! Yet now I must believe you,” cried Jane. “My dear, dear Lizzy, I would—I do congratulate you—but are you certain? forgive the question— Are you quite sure that you feel what you ought to do?”

“Oh, yes! You will only think I feel more than I ought to do, when I tell you all.”

“What do you mean?”

“Why, I must confess that I love him better than I do Bingley. I am afraid you will be angry.”

“My dearest sister, now be serious. I want to talk very seriously. Let me know every thing that I am to know, without delay. Will you tell me how long you have loved him?”

“It has been coming on so gradually, that I hardly know when it began. But I believe I must date it from maybe a month after I received the letter from him. You remember that, of course.”

Jane nodded, trying to follow her sister because she was so sure Elizabeth still disliked the man.

“Well, after the letter, I suppose my heart began to change. Not in a way in which I would notice. I would have said to anyone who asked that I was still furious with him. But I did read it several times through. And then Bingley suddenly shows up at our door. Happy to see you, repentant for time wasted, and ready to build a life with you. I asked him, you know. What had changed.”

Now Jane was really interested. They had reached their house and were putting their coats away. “And what had?” She asked as they moved to the kitchen and sat down.

“Apparently he had gotten a letter from Darcy himself. He said it made him rethink the time he was wasting with you. I could not believe it. I actually thought he was joking at first. And then from there, the good Colonel hired me, and he seemed to be on a mission to change my mind. It was my mistake mentioning I knew Darcy, he has a portrait of the two of them hanging in his house, you know, that originally set him off. Each time I would come, he seemed to have another sweet story about how Darcy was doing this thing or had done that thing, and I found that I liked hearing about him and what he got up to when he was younger. He really is the best of men.”

Elizabeth looked at Jane, willing her to understand. “My mind had quite changed weeks ago. And I was left imaging where he was and what he was doing, and every other man I came in contact with paled in comparison.”

“Remember Jimmy.” Laughed Jane. “He was so in love with you.”

“Hardly. He thought he was.” Elizabeth laughed along as well. “He certainly made Darcy more attractive by comparison.”

Another entreaty that she would be serious, however, produced the desired effect; and she soon satisfied Jane by her solemn assurances of attachment. When convinced on that article, Jane had nothing further to wish.

“Now I am quite happy,” said she, “for you will be as happy as myself. I always had a value for him. Were it for nothing but his love of you, I must always have esteemed him; but now, as Bingley’s friend and your love, there can be only Bingley and yourself more dear to me. But Lizzy, you have been very sly, very reserved with me.”

“I am sorry about that Jane. It seemed like a good idea at the time, and then I did not really know how to bring it up.”

“Ridiculous,” Jane teased.

Kitty came into the room next. “Where have the two of you been all day?” She sat herself down heavily into one of the chairs.

“Rough day at work?” Elizabeth asked, getting up to get Kitty some hot cocoa.

“Just busy. So did you find our missing patient? And Jason and Dick? I rather liked them.” Elizabeth fixed a cup for Jane and herself and decided that Kitty ought to know it all too. All was acknowledged, and half the night spent in conversation.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

10 years later ~

Darcy drove up to Pemberley, never getting tired of coming back home, especially anxious to see Elizabeth and have his family all under one roof again. It had been years since that had happened because of the war. _I cannot believe I have been married for a decade now. And all my boys are safe._ He turned to furtively look at Jason who was smiling as he looked at the window.

When Darcy pulled up, Pemberley was its normal bustle of activity. He smiled as a group of children poured out of the house, chasing each other across the pavement. He had just picked up Jason who had finally been released from service and knew he would not be easy until he got to see his brother.

Dick was waiting for them, the children probably having told him that they saw a car, just as anxious to see Jason. They had a special bond that even the blood siblings that came to stay with them did not seem to have. _Probably those horrible years living on the streets._

“Dick!” Jason yelled, as he quickly got out of the car. He embraced his brother. “How has your break been? Lucky for you to be done with the war before the rest of us. You have enjoyed it, I see. What is that an extra pillow you are smuggling under your clothes.”

Dick hugged Jason fiercely. He had not wanted to admit that he was afraid he would not make it out alive. He already felt beyond lucky himself, even if he had lost an eye.

Jason seemed to read his mind, as he always had, “Don’t worry, you! It makes you look dashing. Doesn’t it, Father?” Jason turned to pull Darcy into the conversation, hoping that they could jar Dick out of feeling down.

“Of course, Dick makes it look dashing.” Darcy joined in.

“Yes, on you,” Dick poked Jason, “it would have just looked menacing. All the women would have thought you were there to rob them. I will just look like I am there to woo them.” 

Darcy smiled at his two oldest sons and moved off a bit quietly, wanting to give them time alone. Dick had wanted to be the one to pick Jason up, but he was not supposed to be driving, which had been another difficulty for them to get past. Darcy was so thankful for Dick’s more relaxed nature. He seemed to turn everything into a positive, and Darcy had heard him explain to one of the little children who had come to stay with them, to keep them safe from the bombs in London, that he had to give up an eye to keep his brother safe and that it was worth it.

Suddenly, he felt warmth come around him, and he sank back into his wife’s arms. “Elizabeth.”

“How is he?” She asked quietly.

“Seems alright. I think they will be good now that they have each other. I hope.” He breathed quietly.

Elizabeth moved to get her own hugs from the returned son, “Jason! We have missed you. Dick has been incorrigible without you. And you would not believe how you charmed your two sisters and younger brother. They think you control the sun and the moon.” 

“All working according to plan, then.” Jason beamed. “Where are they? I haven’t seen them in at least a year. I bet they have all grown so much I won’t recognize them.”

“JASON!” someone squealed as they barreled into the room nearly tackling him with the force of the hug.

“Why hello, little one, we were just talking about you.” Jason righted himself and took in his younger brother. “I guess I will have to stop calling you little one soon.”

The boy beamed. “That is right, Jason! Look at how tall I have gotten. I will be eight in two weeks! Can you believe it?”

Jason ruffled his hair, “I can hardly believe it, Bennet. You are growing into a fine boy.”

His two sisters entered the room a bit more sedately, but they hugged with no less vigor and since there were two, they managed to knock their brother down.

Dick started to laugh, “Careful with him, Ana and Eve. I bet he is tired.”

Jason managed to pull himself up, and Dick gave him a hand. “Come here you two, let me get a proper hug. I told everyone over in France and Germany that I had the two prettiest girls waiting for me back home.”

“You did?” Ana asked, beaming.

“Alright, come on everyone. Let us go see what Mrs. Reynolds has prepared. I hear that she tried to make someone’s favorite dishes.”

Jason picked up little Eve and held hands with Ana as they all moved into the dining room.

Darcy put his arm around Elizabeth and followed after all their children. “I am glad we finally have everyone home again.” Elizabeth whispered. “It never felt quite right with the older boys gone. The little ones need their older brothers.”

Darcy smiled at her. “Agreed. However, I have a feeling we will not have them for long. They will want to go and enjoy life now that the war is over.”

Elizabeth sighed. “I know. And I want that for them too, but I am going to enjoy the next several months with them here. They are going to help us with sorting all these children. The Millers were sent for, but I told them that we would take them to London all together. Is that alright?”

“Of course, Love. I am going to miss all the children when they go back home.”

Elizabeth pushed him gently, “I try to warn everyone. You are such a baby hoarder.”

“I am not!” Darcy said indignantly, but a smile played about the corners of his mouth. “We just have all this room, and we are already set up for so many children. It worked out almost as if we were preparing for the war.” He looked out of the window, down at the fifteen children playing tag together.

“Good thing, too. I cannot imagine how scary all that bombing would have been for the ten you brought with you from London when you first started collecting children.”

“Elizabeth! You start those rumors and I will just become some spooky folk story.”

“Ah, the dream.” She smiled up at him.

“You, doctor, are incorrigible.”

“And you rather like it.”

“True.”

“Come on,” Jason yelled, “Stop making eyes at each other and sit down. I’m starving.”

Elizabeth and Darcy waked in, still holding hands. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't even know y'all. This is all I got! The title for this chapter comes from the second section of Four Quartets:  
> Garlic and sapphires in the mud  
> Clot the bedded axle-tree.  
> The trilling wire in the blood  
> Sings below inveterate scars  
> Appeasing long forgotten wars.  
> The dance along the artery  
> The circulation of the lymph  
> Are figured in the drift of stars  
> Ascend to summer in the tree  
> We move above the moving tree  
> In light upon the figured leaf  
> And hear upon the sodden floor  
> Below, the boarhound and the boar  
> Pursue their pattern as before  
> But reconciled among the stars.


End file.
